#26 - Writing Every Day

So, morning pages. I’ve become a real sucker for them.

I started making them part of my routine last March and was pretty committed through spring and most of the summer (ooo this summer was so bad and the best way to reflect exactly how bad was the fact that I stopped writing! It’s the clearest indicator of my mental health, if I stop writing in a diary it means I’m trying to hide from the truth because I can’t hide it from myself but if I don’t write it down then it’s not true and I don’t have to deal with it oh noooo) and then picked it very seriously back up in November. And I doubled the number of pages I was doing every morning because I felt like three was too short for me to really get into the flow of things and once I started writing straight through non-stop I realized it only takes about 40 minutes to get through all six and since it used to take me over an hour to get three done I still feel like I’m saving time.

My new rules are that once I start, I can’t stop. I turn notifications off on my phone, I put on a rainy ASMR video that goes full screen on my computer (because if I don’t I will unintentionally start using the computer but if I fill the screen with a video it makes my brain pause before instinctively opening a new tab and beginning to browse before I even realize it), and I ignore Booboo’s best attempts at distracting me.

(Though, she knows that when I’m done I’ll lean back and stretch so if I do that prematurely while writing she gets VERY excited, comes over and starts to headbutt me. It’s…extremely cute. She mostly walks across the pages and bites at the moving pen, but she also knows that if she lays down and flicks her tail across the page that will also work as a distraction method.)

Anyway! I have now been writing every single morning for about three months, and I can’t believe what a tremendous help it has been to my overall…everything. I recently saw a think on TikTok (where else?) in which a creator said they stopped journaling because they were tired of writing for an imagined audience who would be reading these after they were dead. But I think that having an audience in mind at all is a detriment and would totally make me miserable if I thought I was creating or writing for any other purpose thank knowing I have a better day after I do it. I know I feel more focused. I know that having a routine in the morning during which I accomplish things is important to set myself up to feel alive the rest of the day.

Now, get ready for the ironic twist, I finished filling up a notebook last week and thought it would be fun to go through and pull something from each day. Originally it was going to be one sentence, but I am nothing if not long-winded! Sometimes there’s even two bits! Also, I adhere to no grammar rules in these entries so I do believe the tense in which I am writing changes…mid-line at times? Soz!

I don’t intend this to make any sweeping statements, I’m not trying to curate a tone poem here. I just wanted to acknowledge it, to remember it, to write it down. So I did!

December 30 @ 9:54am

I really don’t want to put any limits on myself because I think something that’s really important to realize is that my capabilities far outsize my limitations.

December 31 @ 9:31am

I have a lot of regrets over shitty flippant remnants that I made, and my memory is such that I remember the entire interaction. But as Marel pointed out when I fessed us to still feeling like a shithead when I devalued the concept of higher education to my 40something co-worker who had done back to school to get his degree, maybe the fact that I still feel bad about this is actually just proof that I’m a good person. (With a guilt complex the size of Ireland.)

January 1 @ 12:06pm

So the list: shower curtain liner, sponges, hangers, pitcher, fridge containers for produce, hairbrush maybe, lighters to have at the house, desk lamp? Real lamp?

I just want this place to really feel like an entire home and not just a place I live.

Janurary 2 @ 9:45am

It’s not that I didn’t want to go, it’s that I didn’t want to go and be embarrassed. I didn’t want to go and worry about what my skirt was going to look like when I sat down. I didn’t want to go and then have the tights slip and feel like every time I take a step my tights and underwear are going to fall down. I don’t want to put together an outfit because I have no clothes, because they so rarely make cool clothes for fat people and so the taste gap between how I want to dress and how I can actually dress on my budget are so vast. It hurts to have your ostracism reflected back to you through your clothes—everyone deserves to look and feel their best.

January 3 @ 7:30am

So, for me to forge new connections, I have to get genuinely curious about other people. Their thoughts, dreams, hobbies, the jokes they find funny, their favorite song to walk to, to dance to, what album or podcast do they put on first thing in the morning, who they think has a life they want to live, what are the major things they would change about government, hopes, favorite comfort book and TV show. Do they know BTS?

January 4 @ 6:52am

It’s never worth it to fall asleep on the couch playing video games.

January 5 @ 7:02am

And I do nice things for myself because I am worth taking care of.

January 6 @ 7:10am

Anyway, I think right now, more than ever, it feels futile to create these big plans and to have outlandish hopes because accomplishment is really just staying alive and keeping as sane as possible.

The rush of honesty > the crushing guilt of unspoken conversation.

January 7 @ 12:11pm

Even though it didn’t—in a lot of ways actually I just did what I wanted to do and that was listen to The Killers album and make bacon and get a little high.

Anyway, I’m tired, the Democrats need to keep running primaries in every election and give people choice rather than being self-defeating. Take a risk! Voters like people who pass policies!

January 8 @ 9:18am

I don’t think she hated me, I think she resented the fuck out of me though.

January 9 @ 11:00am

The lies I told to fit in better. The lies I told in order to not feel left out. They weren’t supposed to follow me, but they did. I think the lying is the source of a lot of shame. The lying is a shield. I reach for it, far less often now, but the instinct is still there. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it as a reflex. I wonder how many lies I’ve told. I wonder how many lies I’ve told myself.

January 10 @ 7:19am

Here Comes The Sun vibes.

January 11 @ 7:20am

Of all the fucking things I will absolutely buy—pen and paper is always always on that list.

January 12 @ 7:07am

Ugh living in the moment is so exhausting—you mean I have to appreciate all of the beauty and wonder of the world? Too much! Overwhelming!

January 13 @ 7:18am

And when I watch Antiques Roadshow and hear the thick regional accents and see the extremely average clothes I want to weep for what we’ve lost.

January 14 @ 8:33am

The idea that it’s just exactly what I want to be doing at all times…oh hey, turns out that’s the dream.

January 15 @ 9:42am

I just moved on, because I had to, and I think I expected myself to feel one way about it but then when I didn’t I had to question how well I really knew myself at all and that has…spiraled.

January 16 @ 8:20am

Heidi Montag really was the canary in the coal mine as far as how social media, traditional media, and public perception can really destroy someone as a person. We watch Heidi get into an abusive relationship and then retreat inwards and lose her fun spark and then comes Spencer and the promise of fame and then come the 27 plastic surgeries and the on-camera horror of her family who are stuck trying to get her out and I guess my question is: wat what point does MTV get held accountable for their role in the ongoing destruction of this woman’s life?

January 17 @ 9:27am

I really think that the judgment was a huge part of my misery.

January 18 @ 8:51am

I do feel like I am, in many ways, allowing myself to grow into a new form just by taking the things I thought I knew as fard facts and asking if that was my true expression or just the one I thought could protect me the best.

January 19 @ 9:01am

My foot bruising is looking kind of wild and uhhhh I am worried.

January 20 @ 8:33am

Love is stored in the little things.

January 21 @ 8:09am

It looks tacky! I’m sorry, I know I should be nicer and a more lovely human and stop looking down on the fashion choices of people expressing themselves but like tickity tack it throws it off whack!

Janurary 22 @ 10:15am

And I want a cow tattoo and a nose piercing and blondeish hair and I want to continue to surprise myself and re-write the narratives and be strong and get stronger.

January 23 @ 3:10pm

It may, in fact, be that deep.

January 24 @ 7:35am

Goob has also mellowed out and I think part of that is me being calmer, but honestly, a lot of it is my energy and how I interact and it feels truly wild to say that this is the happiest I’ve ever been but that really feels true.

January 25 @ 7:01am

I think cooking, bringing people into my home and hosting and all of that is really where I like to be.

January 26 @ 8:12am

I walked to the bakery only to realize I didn’t have my mask with me, then by the time I got back there was a huge line and I didn’t want to wait so my plan was almost to head to the good deli but then I realized I would have wanted to bring a tote bag so I went to the top deli instead and grabbed four bevvies (2 la colombe coffee things that I failed to realize were not oat milk and 2 diet cokes) along with some shrimp chips and then my neighbor and his kids were exiting the building so I stopped at the footlight and smoked half a cig (v. luxurious, how french of me) and fed the cats and washed my face because I can definitely no longer sit in front of a window without sun protection.

January 27 @ 6:56am

Maybe I need to reframe how I feel about asking for help.

January 28 @ 7:05am

We’re up! We’re at ‘em! It’s Friday!

January 29 @ 11:35am

I keep oversalting my food with the kosher salt.

January 30 @ 9:49am

Well I spent about two hours of my life last night and this morning precariously close to buying a $600 Balenciaga Moto City bag that I definitely cannot afford but absolutely want—and then I got wrapped up in a green suede Proenza Schouler PS1 which I’m sure is lovely but if I’m willing to spend $400 on a bag may as well save a little bit more for the one I’ve wanted for years.

January 31 @ 7:23am

I ultimately did not play that much Pokemon either—maybe I did and it’s just such new gameplay that I’m unsure of progress and if I’m doing things at the right speed—exploring is definitely fun but the satchel system is annoying and the pay to upgrade feels like a slog—but maybe I’m just low on funds because I’ve been focusing on the story and not catching or sidequests?

February 1 @ 6:45am

If it was all mine, I’d like it all back.

February 2 @ 7:47am

It’s not for other people—it’s just for me.

February 3 @ 8:09am

But when I went to Marel’s later I wore a tee with the coat and I love that super boxy green one I got—it looks so cute and the neck has really excellent details so I feel like it’s been really fun to feel confident in my clothes and all of that.

Febraury 4 @ 8:21am

Ooo baby guess who started her day with accomplishing tasks and chores! Laundry: done. And before the rain began! It was so nice out.

February 5 @ 10:02am

Also realizing that the piece should have ended with me saying I would still fuck Silver Foxville.

February 6 @ 10:00am

If it’s helpful, it’s helpful, and I don’t have to fret too much about anything around this. My anxiety is not based in truth, just fear. And I don’t have to be afraid anymore.