#31 - Wanna Read My Diary?

Oooo another Moleskin down! I had originally intended to make this piece chockfull of fun stats from reading it, but once I actually started looking through it I was really shocked by the difference between the entries in the two journals I’ve completed this year.

In this one, I mentioned needing to go grocery shopping, clean, or organize laundry in every single entry up to March 11. I had no idea how much space those tasks were really taking up in my brain, how much I had pressured and subsequently punished myself if I didn’t complete them. I was definitely a little more bitter, but I’m choosing to read that as my done-ness with winter. The tone shift after the first 50-degree day was…stark. It’s so annoying that our brains are that susceptible to sunshine!!

I’m still writing six pages every day, some days I do a few extras, the new journal is orange because I’m going for a rainbow theme because I now have two shelves in the bookcase dedicated to my journals so I may as well get intentional about the colors! Below are excerpts from the daily entries.

February 6 @ 10:31am

Swate. Good talk!

February 7 @ 7:30am

I know that just by doing it more often I’ve already gotten better and I find the idea that putting more effort in also makes me cringe and I think I really have to get over whatever part of me thinks that demonstrable effort is somehow uncool.

February 8 @ 8:15am

But when I make myself small, when I go quiet, it ruins me. Not just internally, but like, what am I bringing to the party except for loud opinions?

Februrary 9 @ 6:50am

It’s gonna be wild but it may also be fun and just like with focusing on the feeling of the laundry being done, I need to focus on the fun, the positives, the outcomes.

February 10 @ 8:56am

It’s okay to live your life the way you want to. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay that you’re you.

February 11 @ 9:28am

Ugh my arm hurts and I keep getting distracted and honestly I don’t really want to write today but I know I know I’ll totally regret it if I don’t and I’m already lightly panicked about not sending out a substack today SO idk.

February 12 @ 7:36am

I would not recognize my current self a year ago. And now look at me! Full of words and passion and knowledge about BTS—the latter being the most important growth, obvs.

February 13 @ 7:23am

WELL the bathroom ceiling is once again caving in! I had to pee this morning so I donned my snow boots and a raincoat and held the recycling bin on my shoulder to catch the water as I went. Oh, my god, do stop, the glamour is simply too much!!

February 14 @ 7:32am

It is honestly the world’s finest luxury to wake up and know that you can take a shit.

February 15 @ 6:59am

I’m just out here — doing my best! I really am a slut for a good morning routine.

February 16 @ 7:27am

It was cruel and selfish and thoughtless and awful, but I really do believe that sometimes—or for the most part, humans cause others the exact amount of pain they’re in. It’s equal and opposite. Except most people will never look inward enough to heal the wound.

February 17 @ 7:41am

I think last night I laughed…the hardest I’ve ever laughed? Straight up tears and gasping and we fully couldn’t make eye contact or it would start all over again. Big “only one bathroom left” vibes.

Felt incredibly proud of my little mundane task I got done but being alive is hard!

February 18 @ 8:15am

I think I need to really do out my monthly budget and get a grip as far as what I’m spending and where. Art? Good. Bags? Not good!!

February 19 @ 7:31am

And I like that it’s impressive—I like that I am impressive. Like, no matter what there are always going to be people that don’t like me and that shouldn’t surprise me t’all because I, in fact, don’t like most people.

February 20 @ 10:20am

Goob is fully draped over me but it’s working! We are getting through it despite her claws digging in!

February 21 @ 6:35am

I don’t have to shy away from my life’s stories because they might make someone uncomfortable or cause them to reflect on their actions. That’s actually. maybe a good thing? A powerful thing! You could even say it’s the point of most writing ever done!

February 22 @ 8:59am

Mechanical pencils were so important to me as a child.

February 23 @ 8:12am

Honestly I should write a thing about why raw food matters and the lack of pet food safety regulations and how there is actually a mass conspiracy to get people to buy kibble without questioning it as a form of food. That was always the moment I saw it click for people—when they realized these hard brown pellets were once meat & veg, cooked so thoroughly they become indistinguishable, coated in animal fat lipids containing vitamin packs of man-made synthetics that will start to degrade the second they’re exposed to air. And oh, the horror of kibble keepers that people pour their kibble into noooooo. They’re exposing them all to the degradation process at ooooonce.

February 24 @ 7:02am

Don’t sweat the little stuff and stop beating yourself up and roll your shoulders back and keep going, you’re doing great. Okay good talk.

February 25 @ 7:51am

Yes, people should give how they can and support how they can, but is it weirder to have a bunch of serious and really heavy posts with serious information mixed in casually with an ad for sunglasses? Is that high/low change of mood and tone…is that doing something to our brains? Is it extremely not good potentially because it puts them on the same level in some ways? Will I accidentally incur that the invasion of Ukraine is of equal importance to the conversation of aviators vs. wayfarers? (No but…still!)

February 26 @ 10:00am

I should make crêpes.

February 27 @ 9:15am

That just leads back to like…do I actually have the self-worth required to walk away?

February 28 @ 6:35am

March is going to be the month of delusional self-confidence again.

March 1 @ 7:40am

It’s all very human and sometimes that’s the hardest thing to be. Ya know?

March 2 @ 6:52am

But am I looking for closure? Because  that doesn’t exist so…can’t really be that.

March 3 @ 9:04am

It sucks that those happy memories are now tainted by the ending and it sucks that there’s nowhere for the love to go and the inside jokes and the language of each other just…dies. Abandoned in the meadow, unmarked graves. Reabsorbed into the soil. Fertilized with the love and care that is no longer there. Love is like compost—hot & smelly. Love is like compost—scraps and ends that we can’t bear to throw away so we repurpose them in order to nourish the world. Love is like compost—easy to find if you know where to look in New York City.

March 4 @ 7:31am

I’m one of a kind, babe. Whatever the fuck that means.

March 5 @ 9:15am

I think my innate competitiveness is hilarious but I just had the realization that it’s tied to always wanting to know the rules, I always think that information will keep me safe because if I know what I’m doing, I won’t do it wrong, and if I don’t mess up I won’t get yelled at and I can keep myself safe. Being good at things is good because then I have empirical evidence to back up why someone liked me and then I don’t have to worry that they don’t like me and ALL OF THAT is very wrong and is just like—fuck it’s so much more intertwined than I had realized. Shit’s not good.

March 6 @ 9:16am

It made me really endeared to Paul and him being so in love and happy with the kid and introducing Linda as a cameraman and the way they lined up her shots with the footage ugh! So great. Most pop star documentaries are made to create the myth and craft the image the band is ultimately selling. This doc in so many ways is the opposite as it gently allows the boys to reveal themselves and how the projected narratives have affected them and how they really were just a group of four very talented friends who had gone through some weird times and didn’t seem to know what to do. They’re half over it but also very present and in it and they love each other but at this point there was a good amount of resentment and distrust and frought friendships are so heartbreaking and I really do just want to hug Ringo the whole time. He loved all of them, and they loved him and one day he’s the only one who shows up to rehearsal and you cry and your tears are under the sea in an octopuses garden in the shade.

March 7 @ 6:34am

It’s so nice out so I’m writing in public apparently. Variety has definitely upgraded their straw sizes, coffee is flying through this thing. A girl just walked by wearing knee-high socks with creepers and a mid/short chocolate leather trench and fishtail braids and…wow just an absolutely smashing outfit. Excellent proportions too. New York is so cool!

March 8 @ 8:05am

Love is stored in the Diet Coke.

March 9 @ 6:37am

If there is a blanket over my legs I will absolutely start to doze. And doze hard.

March 10 @ 7:16am

And it’s starting to get nice out and I should spend the hour and a half it’s going to take to shave my legs.

March 11 @ 8:06am

If it doesn’t serve me, it’s time to let it go.

March 12 @ 9:18am

Apparently it’s cheaper to buy a box of 12 new pens than it is to get 6 refills. Isn’t that fucking ridiculous? I bought the metal ones in hopes of being slightly less wasteful. Useless!

March 13 @ 11:47am

I’m really not trying to spend the whole day saying I should be doing something else.

March 14 @ 7:40am

I watched so many apartment tour + decorating videos and now I’m all inspired and I want to make my own island in my kitchen that sounds doooope.

March 15 @ 8:58am

It’s not his fault his message made me discover my ick.

March 16 @ 8:27am

Went for a walk!!!!!