#89 - The Power of a Perfect French Fry

The ladies at the bakery on the corner make my favorite iced coffee. It’s the only place I order with cream and sugar because they put the sugar in first and melt it down with a splash of hot coffee before they add the ice and cold brew. No grit, just the lingering sweetness left behind.

I had what I would dare to call a perfect Sunday yesterday. It was sunny and springy—leaving me to once again wonder how the fuck any of us are supposed to dress for 50 degrees and sunny. (I went with an all-white ensemble of white jeans and a white t-shirt and my fuzzy furry jacket and I’m going to take a second to brag about the fact that I didn’t spill anything on myself the whole day so I’m like basically Kerry Washington in Scandal now.) (I turned on the pilot of Scandal after listening to a podcast last week and about halfway through the episode I shot up off the couch to turn it off because I suddenly remembered why I pulled an allnighter to finish the first season in one sitting the first time I watched it and I simply do not have the sleep to divest these days!!) (I ended up finally watching The Americans instead and got through two seasons so. Choices! But look at Matthew Rhys being so charming on Seth Meyers, I would like to sail around and eat rarebits with him, actually.)

I’ve been trying recently to really take note of the positives, the joys, lean into the highlight reel, and let go of the things that don’t serve me to hold onto. I think that I’ve long been attempting to create a life in which I experience no negativity, where suffering, even in small ways, would not be present. But that’s just not realistic, and it will only breed more misery if I continue. Moving purposefully towards the positive isn’t automatic and it feels a bit saccharine and earnest, but it feels like the much better option than the alternative.

Nihilism is easy, hope is hard.

I first started speaking kindly to myself in my journals. I slowly developed a language on pages where I was forbidden from speaking poorly or assuming the worst of my intentions. It made me realize just how much of my self-speak was just straight-up bullying. Like, I am mean mean to myself in my head, and it served absolutely no one. It’s not like I would ever speak to anyone else that way. It was just my lack of self-worth that made it feel okay and even justified to be constantly berating myself for my decisions, my inactions, my embarrassing moments of the past that literally no one else remembers because my freaky memory is the only place that a lot of those incidents remained. It’s taken a lot longer to be kind to myself in the real world, to speak up and ask for what I want, to recognize when I’m being treated unkindly, and to not simply accept that as a natural consequence of my existence.

I don’t think people are naturally cruel, I think most people are deeply wounded and don’t even know how to begin to heal. But the more I recognized my own pain and allowed it to exist without judging myself for the timeline it took to heal, the easier it all became.

Anyway, yesterday we woke up and went to a dispensary because weed is legal in New York now and I got to see my best friend’s products in the store and my heart got to fill with that rush of pride and admiration and desire to point them out to every single person in the room. “Did you know that pot is actually fun and your weed accessories can be cute and wonderful and joyous and pretty enough to leave out on the table between sessions?” The weed itself is still a bit pricey, but it came in fancy little jars and I bought a vape cartridge which I truly haven’t had since 2018 and I’m so thrilled.

We also stopped by The Strand and I remembered just how much I love a good browse in a bookstore. The Strand has changed so much (there’s now a cafe inside and digital screens adorning the front doors) but there’s still something incredibly fun about the mixed collections and precarious stacks of pre-loved tomes.

And then we walked to SoHo, and I love SoHo. It was the place I had my first job in New York, I love the uneven streets, and I love the quality of people watching. I’ve had several jobs down there now and those memories are mixed with my days attending gallery openings where I spent the entire evening sticking out like the absolute sorest thumb only to have the time of my life snarfing McDonald’s with my friends in the only alley in New York City once the show had wrapped.

(Fun fact: the lack of alleys contributes to the overall trash issue in this city. Also NYC is finally enacting the “put your garbage out two hours later and that will solve the rat infestation” plan and like lololol the rat problem is SO MUCH WORSE than they’ve wanted to admit and this isn’t gonna put even a teeny tiny dent in the problem. The rats don’t have curfew!!! We just did this with Covid like three years ago. It would be funny how inept Cop Mayor Eric Adams is except he’s genuinely terrifying and anti-democracy and paid for by corporate real estate and hates the city of New York and it’s occupants i don’t think he’s a democrat and I don’t know why—besides ego and access to power—he even wanted to be mayor!!! He doesn’t even live here!!! Also he’s a slumlord/landlord and got fined for how bad one of his apartment buildings was re: rat infestation and I just think it’s very important to constantly remind everyone that landlords don’t deserve rights and it is not a legitimate job and their “woe is me I have to pay for repairs” jargon is all bullshit they’re depriving the market of housing for their own monetary benefit it’s not benevolent to rent people homes that they’ve forcibly taken!!)

The best part about living in New York is that there is such rich (and delicious) reward for leaving my apartment. SoHo is home to some of my favorite fries (SoHo Park, Little Prince, ByChloe, and Grey Dog. RIP Lucky Strike!!) and I do believe that fries are truly one of the all-time best foods to order while out. You really can’t go wrong with a great basket of hot, salty, just potato-y enough, crunchy, golden brown french fries. Perfect food! Perfect conduit for sauces! Excellent juxtaposition of crispy on the outside and fluffy on the inside. No notes! Just potato.

So we got fries and cocktails and sat in the garden and people watched and clocked our favorite bags and marveled at how many couples were steadfastly holding hands despite the squished streets. And I admitted that I have been feeling vaguely excited about the idea of romance in my life again for the first time in a long time.

Perfect morning, a lovely stoned afternoon, and I went to bed early because I haven’t been giving myself enough time to actually rest recently. (I got sick last month and forgot that it takes time to really get myself back together, so my apartment has felt chaotic in ways that I was finding it harder and harder to ignore. But I always expect Future Me to have the motivation to clean so I kept putting it off until I remembered that present me is future me and I have to just get over it and clean because if I wait for consummate conditions I will be waiting forever. Small tidies > big cleans.)

My goals for this week are to write 5k for my book project, go to bed early, eat more fiber throughout the day, and make three new playlists because I’m going on walks again and don’t always want to do a podcast first thing in the morning. I’m trying to make it easy to make the best choices because I don’t want to coulda/shoulda/woulda my way through the world and make excuses for myself anymore! I’m in full control.

It appears my cat has learned a new voice-warbly meow for her “it’s food time” cries and it’s genuinely breaking my heart a little bit so I gotta go scoop some raw meat into bowls for my tiny apex predators and empty my dishrack and clean off the top of the coffee table.

I hope everyone has a great, lovely, productive week that leaves us all feeling satisfied with our lives and the choices we made throughout!! Let’s eat fresh french fries and fall in love with the world around us a little more all over again!

Spring is coming, it’s trekking through all the mud to get here but it’s really really on its way!

✌️🪴🛵