#14 - Objectively, who is the most fuckable of our last 10 presidents?

I uh, wish I was kidding.

But I’m not!

I am fascinated by fuckability politics, and politics in general, and so when my best friend asked me to rank the last 10 presidents in order of who I would be most willing to fuck I was truly thrilled to oblige.

Fuckability politics are real. The standards are imaginary and yet somehow exist, and these dudes (dudes referring to the former presidents) are all awful dudes. All of them (with the possible exception of Jimmy Carter) committed multiple war crimes. And honestly, you have to be an awful person to even want to become president, let alone achieve that goal. Becoming head of that institution must be a fucking trip because there is no amount of power that compares and I believe that power exists separately from us as humans and that power is what allows the institutions to continue unchanged no matter who occupies the position of power. (Which is why institutional change often feels out of grasp when we actually just need systematic radicalization in the form of sweeping socialism) (which we can easily fund with the parts of the military budget that go unexplainably spent year after year in order to overhaul the institutions that dictate so much of our lives.)

But, if I was to run into any of these dudes (again, referring to the former presidents), at their prime fuckable ages, at a party, how would I rank them?

Ground rules: no politics involved. Forget the war crimes, the racism, the ruining of the economy. Just, straight up, if you saw these dudes at a party, who would you want to have sex with the most? (And without realizing it I didn’t include the man who occupied the job from 2016-2020 because I have strong mental blocks up to the point it didn’t even cross my mind that he technically would have been included? So he’s not! The rest of the terrible republicans get a pass apparently? Oh well. My list my rules!)

Shall we count down from 10? (You already know who #1 is anyway, right?)

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#10 Lyndon B Johnson

Look, it’s not his fault he lacks lips. Also had to look up if his wife had the same initials as him on purpose or if that was just a fun coincidence. Turns out, fun coincidence! She went by Ladybird and Ladybug as a kid and the name stuck. Neat!

#9 Jimmy Carter

I’m so sorry President Peanut, I really am. I just don’t have a thing for dudes with blonde coloring and honestly, I’ll never get over that weird photo with the Biden’s where you and your wife look like living dolls. Thanks for all the work you do for Habitat For Humanity though, that’s cool. Sorry we blamed you for a bunch of shit that was out of your control but I think your legacy is actually one of the better legacies on this list, so congrats on that!

#8 George H.W. Bush

Look is it mostly because I could imagine a younger Dana Carvey while looking at him? Who’s to say.

He also doesn’t have much in terms of the lip department but…he can hold a jacket confidently?

(Read my lips George: I’ll never get over Iran Contra!)

#7 Gerald Ford

Like his presidential legacy, he made little impact. But he’s got a decent jawline so…seventh. (Also definitely kept calling him Henry in my head while writing this list, so, that’s not a great sign, would definitely call him Henry at an inopportune time.)

#6 George W. Bush

Nooo don’t commit war crimes, you’re so sexy, haha.

Idk, he went to Yale and his dad was the president, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t have fucked him after a night out at a New Haven bar.

#5 Bill Clinton

I know, I know. But again, he’s got that blondish coloring and that just doesn’t do it for me. Like back in his college days maybe because he looked a little more mountain man-y but once he was really in the political sphere, meh.

Honestly, in terms of The War Room cast I’d much rather fuck Stephanopoulos because he was the direct inspo for Josh Lyman so since I won’t be fucking Bradley Whitford it seems like the closest I can get, ya know?

Oooh yeah, use that big brain to get the least likely candidate nominated and cause a ripple effect in American politics we will still be dealing with decades later. Just like that, George.

#4 Richard Nixon

YOUNG Richard Nixon only. I make the rules here, so really just this specific Nixon.

Like, jesus christ. Wreck me, not the country.

#3 Joe Biden

Again, preferably a young Biden! (But he looks real good in aviators so…not nearly as picky on this one as that last fella.)

Notice, not blonde, never been blonde, and his teeth aren’t nearly as terrifying as Jimmy Carter’s.

#2 Ronald Reagan

Yeah sure he was in B-Movies…but have you seen what he looked like when he was in those movies?

A jawline and a smoker? Onboard. Plus, he’s got cheekbones and good brows.

His wife was known as the Blowjob Queen of Hollywood (and I mean that purely as a compliment) so I feel like he’s gotta be a decent lay, right? Again, would let him ruin me (instead of the economy).

#1 Barack Obama

Hell yeah. Tan suit, feet on the desk, mic drops, Obama was often actually kind of sexy when he was confident and has decent comedic timing so like there are no downsides (except for things like the drone strikes, we’re still fervently ignoring those both for list purposes and in the general cultural sphere apparently).

Any era. I’m in. He went to an Ivy and grew up in Hawaii? Yeah, yeah, sounds like someone I’d be into, let’s go.

So it turns out we’ve had few super-fuckable presidents. And honestly, a lot of the ones that are are Republicans. Not something Democrats should have at the top of their list when it comes to who we pick during the primaries buuut liiiike Julian Castro would make an excellent addition to this list? I’m just saying.

If women have to deal with it all the time, it’s only fair we subject the “most powerful men in the world” to the exact same standards. Right? Sure. And who better to do it than me, a raging leftist politics nerd who apparently can put differences aside when it comes to the objective judgment of how hot our former presidents are. This isn’t something I wanted to learn about myself, but it’s the truth and we must witness it together.