#41 - Bring Back Commentary Tracks

I love and miss commentary tracks.

(Of course I do, I’m an absolute trivia nerd who’s addicted to knowing more about something than everyone else and nothing provides quite like a dvd commentary track.) (Am I writing this as a way to avoid some of the more serious topics that are plaguing me & society at large? You betcha!)

Honestly shout out to all dvd special features, loved a good deleted scenes reel (bonus points for directors intros explaining why the scene didn’t make it, which was almost always pacing), a making-of featurette where the cast would swear up and down that they loved each other and this was the most fun they’ve ever had making a movie, blooper reels where people are clearly forcing themselves to laugh through the 30th take their costar has ruined. Truly nothing gets me going like a double DVD where the second one was entirely bonus content. Give the people what they want!!

Do I like the lord of the rings movies? Not really! Did I torrent the entire suite of dvd special features? You bet your ass I did! I know so much about their revolutionary production of chainmail (also one of the dudes who did it now makes industrial chainmail mesh, the world is so interesting all the time & everywhere), that they all loved teasing Orlando Bloom (oh my ribs babes), and there is a good 45 minutes on the horses. I will love Viggo Mortenson forever for purchasing one of the Shadowfax stallions for the trainer, just the absolute sweetest thing in the world, human connection with animals is so wild, it’s a fucking miracle no one was injured during that horse charge across the plains, what craft and love and care went into every single shot of the original trilogy, what a shame the production of The Hobbit movies irrevocably damaged workers rights in New Zealand forever for the monetary benefit of an American corporation.

I purchased a special edition box set of Showgirls just to get the campy commentary and you know what, it was totally worth it. Plus now I have a game of pin the nipple tassels on the poster, which is exactly what the Showgirls box set should provide. The Social Network directors commentary was my entire personality sophomore year of college. I could fully believe that my interest in mechanical keyboards can be directly traced back to David Fincher making typing look cool (and Trent Reznor creating the perfect soundtrack to type along with). Also, talk about a perfect director to do commentary. You could have absolutely predicted his continued use of Rooney Mara based on the admiration with which he talks about her very small role as Erica. His hatred of Jake Gyllenhaal is half the point of listening to the commentary on Zodiac. And Gone Girl? Chef’s kiss. I love the juxtaposition of love amongst the trash TOO, David!

Streaming has totally taken all of this away, and I think it was so essential to what made me really love movies. You can absolutely get to know a director’s intent through their commentary tracks, and so often they reveal entire layers to why something was shot or how tricky it was, or how long the actors rehearsed and I love a good progress log. Love knowing which outfits were abhorred by the Mean Girls cast but made it in the movie anyway. (Also, that commentary was the first time I learned who Lorne Michaels was, a real backward journey to discovering his culture juggernautyness.) (One day I will write about how Lorne Michaels is the Anna Wintour of the comedy world and how having ‘arbiters of taste’ who are racist, sexist, and create environments in which abuse is not just normal but applauded has ruined the artistry of both comedy and the fashion industry and allowed predators to rise to the top and thrive!) Love a “this was an uncomfortable shoot day" moment where everyone clearly trails off in order to avoid saying something absolutely incriminating.

Cast commentaries are the absolute best part though. especially if the cast is just there to fuck around and have a good time. One of my best & longest friendships was formed in seconds after we locked eyes over the recognition of a quote from the Kids Kommentary on the School Of Rock DVD. It was the quickest I’ve ever fallen in love with someone, right there in the middle of freshman year math class.

The only thing that has come close to this that I’ve seen is bonus features being included as part of the movie itself. Honestly, I’ve only seen this done on Amazon (the worst streaming interface of all time besides Peacock) with the Twilight movies, and it’s really fascinating because they don’t clearly delineate which features are which, but those movies obviously had such a ravenous fanbase that they really did go in and break down all of their decisions and hey, good for them. Also, Robert Pattinson’s commentary is truly legendary behavior, I think about his disdain for the “artfully disheveled” look that they had him in anytime I wear a collared shirt because he was right, it’s incredible levels of pretension to have a little wire in the shirt so that he can look just rumpled enough but honestly, that’s genius costuming!!

I love movies, but I love the making of them more. My stage manager energy does in fact extend to all parts of life, the art created is beautiful, sure, but what about the people that created it? What choices were they making? I want to watch people being taught the dances, see the places they had to practice and work again and again, I want to see the things they had to change, I want the first drafts!!

Seeing the shot is cool but I want to crawl inside their brain and see how the decisions were made. Movie magic is actually the shot of the person operating the Steadicam more than it is the incredible single-take they manage to get! Look at all of these people coming together to meaningfully contribute their skill sets to create something greater than the sum of its parts!!! Isn’t it incredible, isn’t art amazing, aren’t humans just fun little creatures who can’t help but make things and then show them off to and with each other?

Make things! Share them! All the parts and not just the perfect finished products! Things deserve to be made, even if they’re never intended to be seen. The cave painters didn’t think about the future audiences, they just couldn’t help themselves and they really needed other people to know about the really cool bull they saw earlier that day!!

Anyway, now that my ps4 no longer plays DVD’s I’m going to have to invest in a DVD player in 2022 because the junk store down the street sells them for like a dollar and there’s very little I can buy for that little that will afford me so much. And apparently, it’s too much to ask that we get the commentaries as an option in audio settings. Okay well, that’s it. Movies forever!!