#38 - A letter to myself, six months ago

What a first day of the month it has been! I attempted to return a package this morning (only to find out the UPS drop-off point was closed), I got my coffee situation sorted for the next two weeks, I went and kicked off the first entry in my newest journal and wrote outside at Variety, and then I walked to Marel’s and we walked to the park, and played the best game of kill, fuck, or marry that I have ever played, and read the book about The View, and then we walked back to Marel’s and then I walked home, where I have valiantly not moved since my arrival.

I debated ordering food and filled up my Seamless bag no less than four times, but alas, I am not ordering, and I am trying to remember how it’s rarely worth it, but all I can feel right now is the vague burn blister underneath my left foot and I really don’t want to stand and cook for the ten minutes it’s going to take me to figure out dinner.

Anyway! Welcome to May! We’re almost halfway done with 2022. Weird! Wild! Time to make a list of shit to get done before 2023 (not a real year) and crush it!!

I realized that it’s been six months since I started getting my life back together (redux) and I was struck by how different I felt six months ago, how much I’ve grown, and the things that have become important to me, and the cycles that we all go through and how growth can be hard to measure day-to-day or even month-to-month. I’ve been really comforted by the idea that I can radically transform so much of myself in such a short period of time. It makes me feel like the endless possibilities of life are not so much overwhelming options, but more of a choose-your-own-adventure style of who I want to be and what I want to prioritize now. I’m not giving anything up by not prioritizing it, I’m just putting a lot more on the backburner and living with fewer fraught feelings and regrets these days.

So, I thought I’d write a letter to myself six months ago because I am sentimental as hell.

(My favorite place I’ve ever lived? The past!)

I’m trying to not bask in the bygones so much anymore. I’m really looking forward to what’s next. I’m intrigued by my own capabilities. It turns out that having even just a teaspoon of self-worth can really do a girl good.

I want to remember the lessons, and I want to move into the future honoring who I have been, and allowing that to inform who I will be, with no pressure to perform who I think others would like best.

And that’s not easy. But I think I’ll get there.

Hey Babe,

Things are kind of weird right now, yeah? The third room has a pile in it that you’re avoiding even looking at, because it’s weird when items that once had meaning are no longer allowed to mean anything. Or like, they are ‘allowed’ but it feels weird, it feels invasive, it’s no longer a shared thing.

The good news is, you’re almost through the worst part of the pain. I know that seems wild, and you’re bracing for impact, but it’s not coming. You may have been shoved off the roof, but you bounced instead of splatting.

It was a blessing. Everything you’re worried about sounding defensive is actually just your way of expressing the fact that you too were unhappy, that you knew it wasn’t right, and it’s okay that you were scared. It’s okay that you took your time to sort your emotions before unleashing them onto the world. (You’re also pretty good about the whole “we” thing now. Go easy on yourself, no one has any expectations around the rapidity of your language changing except you.)

It’s okay that you’re angry. You have every right to be angry. It’s totally okay that you’re scared too, but the good news is, you actually are going to be able to pay your rent, and Meg is going to be the best boss you’ve ever had, and she’s actually totally chill with it whenever you break down on Zoom. (The anger thing you’re going to avoid for a little while, because the pressure behind that valve has been building for a long time and you know the release is going to be…a lot. And it will be, but it will also be healing, and you deserve that.)

You still try your best not to hurt people’s feelings on purpose these days, but you’re better at being okay with the idea of people being aware that they’ve hurt yours.

Soon, so soon, the things in the third room will be gone, and the apartment will be just yours, and you’re going to walk in the front door when you get back from Marel’s and you’re going to wonder why you’re still not crying. But that’s because it was for the best, and even though it feels weird to admit because you’re worried about invalidating the relationship by allowing that to be true. There is no actual right way to mourn a relationship, and nothing you’ve seen in media comes close to what you’re feeling, so it’s actually really great and wonderful to not force yourself into a box or try to demonstrate grief through puppeteering yourself through the course others have taken before.

It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to shuffle around some of the furniture, and make yourself a closet space, and the spots will be filled in with new things, and you will make new memories. And you’re going to realize just how much time you have all of a sudden.

I don’t know if you’ve reached the “holy shit no one’s going to tell me no” phase quite yet, but wowowow is that a fun one. You’re going to cook some really delicious food, and go through a pickled onion phase to replace the onion jam phase of yore, and write yourself love letters, and make art, and go for long walks, and find the best and cutest puffer coat of all time while coat hunting for Marel and she’s going to convince you to just put your arm in the sleeve and it will actually change the entire trajectory of your winter and entire wardrobe and it turns out, that’s the key to confidence that you were missing this whole time.

And oh the clothes you’re going to accumulate, and the choices in sunglasses you won’t regret for a single second, and the stunning amount of poise that one pair of pants allows you to gain. You do have a waist! The world won’t end if your belly is showing in your jeans, because that’s actually the better silhouette for the outfit sometimes. You’re going to be excited to go outside again. You’re going to joke about “debuting” outfits, and it won’t really be a joke. You’re going to understand why it takes so long to get dressed when you have more than one thing you feel great wearing.

You’ll build an ergonomic chair all by yourself at 2 in the morning and don’t get overwhelmed even when you put the part on backward twice in a row.

You’ll start listening to music again. Dancing follows soon after. You will sing and you will catch yourself smiling at nothing, and you will prep vegetables and start buying fresh bread all the time because the bakery now takes Apple pay and the ladies in there are really lovely and always remember you don’t want the bread with seeds.

In about a month you’re going to be ready to start writing again, and it will save you, again.

Weem only gets more confident with the whole climbing-all-over-you thing. Booboo is sweeter now, and her paw pad is totally fine, try not to be so hard on yourself for the claw mishap. Shit happens. You’ll never sleep past 7:45 without a Gooby wake-up call. So, straight up abandon that hope! Soz! She’s yours forever!!

You’re going to set arbitrary goals, and you’re going to crush them, and remember that you are someone who can accomplish whatever you decide is worthy of your time. And you’re gonna get a little better at tricking yourself into believing that cleaning for five minutes is better than no minutes. And it’s okay that you don’t hang the new shower curtain liner up right away because the bathroom ceiling is going to cave in again and ruin like 90% of what’s in there. But hey! You call your landlord on a Saturday night and you don’t die! Good job, you!!

I want to remind you to call your friends when you get lonely, and tell them how much they mean to you, and put yourself out there because it’s not so scary, and don’t rush yourself because in the slow down you’ll learn to trust yourself and that leads to liking yourself and we’re gonna get to that loving place, and it’s going to be so much sooner than we realized. You know, like how when you’re walking to a new place it feels like it takes forever, but then the return trip is over in the blink of an eye? Getting back to the loving place is like that, only this time we’re redecorating and setting up a permanent residence.

You are not a burden to the world. Ask for what you need, pay attention to what others ask for (or don’t but clearly need), set boundaries, and go for it. You’ll only regret not trying.

Oh and maybe think about throwing in some wrist strengthening exercises every now and then so that yoga doesn’t reak pure havoc when you decide to pick it back up!

Okay.

Great talk.

Love ya babe 🧡

p.s. it’s okay to like buying the $10 cold brew coffee jugs for the week. There is no moral high ground to gain by forcing yourself to continue to use the mocha pot when it leaks all over the stove and annoys you every day before 9AM.

p.p.s. Yoongi is still your bias, but you’ll have a brief moment of time where you think it’s Jimin. It’s not. It’s Suga, it’s always going to be Suga, just accept your fate.