#210 - The Patience of Improvement

The house is almost clean.

It's always almost clean, never fully clean. It's in progress. It feels like there is literally always a pile somewhere.

(It's because I have too many things and too little storage. Really more of a math problem than a reflection of my ability to be consistently tidy.)

The journal is getting near the end. This one has taken me a while to fill.

But it's filling. It's taken nine months but it's almost there.

When did it stop feeling like an accomplishment to fill every line of a notebook? When did I start using the accomplishments of myself against me?

There's no limit to the psychic damage being done to me by seeing ads for weight loss drugs more often than any other ad. Not even a consideration.

Movement, working out, getting stronger, enjoying the outdoors, all of that is so good. So why does it feel like if I'm not losing weight, it's not enough?

I'm so much stronger than I used to be. Physically and mentally.

I put together an entire bookcase by myself because I knew I could do it. I put a shelf on backwards and fixed it without getting mad a myself for making mistakes. There is now literally more storage than there was this morning. I am, in fact, solving problems rather than letting them clobber me.

Took a mic out of a stand yesterday and told some funny jokes. Signed up for a comedy class because I know it's what makes me happy and exactly what I want to be doing with my life.

Writing jokes on purpose needs to become a habit of mine again.

So I'm giving up video games for the rest of the year. (Besides Just Dance because that's a workout and I don't waste four hours of my life without realizing it. I love to complete little tasks! Except for the ones that are real and would impact my life in positive ways!)

I need to take myself and my life seriously. Learning to take myself seriously feels like the projects I've accidentally been working on for the past five years.

When I hear other people express doubts about themselves, it really does break my heart.

So why am I so determined to allow myself to break my own?

Why not me? Why not at least try? Why not start assuming the best instead of the worst?

Send the texts. Say thank you and smile. Compliment other people.

It's all about building off of the successes instead of dwelling on the failures.

And like, I haven't even really failed anything this year! There are so many cool things ahead for me and I don't actually need to be panicking the way that I am!!

It feels annoying because it is annoying. I would like to have made more progress, but I need to literally let that go and learn to celebrate what I have done. I've gotten stronger. I do stand up. I started my own company.

I ran my first workshop. I booked five workshops for September that will all potentially lead to more gigs. My newsletter has almost 100 subscribers and it's only been 6 months.

The habit of putting myself down is nasty. It's off-putting. It's such a turnoff to have it reflected back to me.

But it is a habit. So I have to learn to break it.

And if I can't stop barking when the proverbial doorbell rings, I better train myself to pick up a couch pillow and muffle the sounds instead.

Because this is the one wild and precious life I get. I live in New York City, in an apartment I truly love, and I'm finally allowing myself to chase my dreams.

The fear is natural, but it won't stop me.

The self-critique is habitual, but I still made it here.

The notebook will get filled. A new one will begin.

I built a bookshelf today. Just gotta keep going.