#209 - Versions Of Myself

It's been really cold this week.

Like, not actually cold but Claire-gets-to-wear-a-sweatshirt-on-her-morning-walks cold.

And that's the best kind of cold because it's been absent for a while and I thought about cold weather everyday and then it appeared it came back to me we really are deeply in love!

I've been waking up early just to make sure I had enough time to walk around outside. I've been going for at least a mile every morning, made easier to track by my watch which also tells me the pace and consistency at the end. (It also marks off this little calendar for every day I get exercise in and oooo baby do I love seeing that calendar full what fun evidence to have collected.)

A few years ago, right before The Big Breakup that would end the relationship I had been in throughout my 20s, I remember declaring that she wouldn't have to deal with "the summer version of me" for much longer.

The one who didn't want to go anywhere, agitated easily, and was generally reticent to exist.

It was almost "boots and Beastie Boys weather" I had boasted, completely in denial of the fact that our relationship had actually ended seven months prior to that.

Look, I don't want to say it was officially over when she cried in the middle of sex (for the second time) but like, that was certainly a knell if not thee knell.

The crying btw isn't the problem. It was the lack of communication after. I communicated! I asked questions! I provided comfort!

The reciprocity of those actions wasn't there though. I just was...cried upon. And then we stopped having sex, a thing that I had literally never done since first having sex.

I'm on a streak at the moment which I have to break. I downloaded the apps again in hopes of going on a date but then remembered how much I fucking hate the apps.

I just want to go out and look cute and find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with and I want to know in the first few minutes of the conversation is that really so much to ask???

(Yes. Of course it is. But I've heard that you have to get really specific when manifesting so I'm trying my best.)

There's a new moon in Virgo and apparently it's the time to start over and reconfigure things.

This year has been really...something. Overwhelming, depressing, and generally an unpleasant roller coaster. But time has passed. Wounds have healed. Taking responsibility for my own life, starting whatever this company is turning into, and forcing myself to just try my best and believe in myself has been good.

I have been way more consistent about working out this year. I do eat way more veggies since I got the CSA box – it's okay that for the first few weeks I felt like half of my meals had 2+ summer squashes mixed into them. Lots of fiber! I am forcing myself to grow and get outside of my comfort zone and it turns out I really do love doing standup and I am quite decent at it. I can film myself talking to my camera. I probably should play the game a little more than I've been willing to.

Communication isn't just being able to put words to paper, it's actually far more about being able to edit it down to a message.

That's not what these have ever been, but then again, I don't know that this blog has ever tried to be effective. Was that because I just didn't know how to be audacious and really lock in on the belief that I was right and my words were important and the criticism I was so afraid of wouldn't hurt if I felt like I had expressed myself clearly.

Bad faith criticism shouldn't stop good faith efforts.

Rambling is my favorite thing to do. But I never know when to stop. That's gotten me in trouble for a really long time.

It's time to develop the version of myself that knows when to shut the fuck up, actually.

Any "version" of me is still me it's just the me that's most appropriate in that situation.

When I'm stoned and watching housewives and recapping New York City political scandals? That's when I can be a blabbermouth.

The places where my words matter and the fewer of them I say the more impact they can have? That version of myself needs some curation and I will just need to get over the past instances where it would have come in handy.

Oh well! Can't go back! Gotta look forward because that's the only thing we have any power to change!

(And omg why is it so hard to change it feels like I've made stride after stride and in the marathon of life I'm like barely leaving Staten Island and that's a joke for all you New York City Marathon heads. Can't give up and eat all my goo packets just yet! There are so many bridges ahead and views to see.)

(The phrase "toxic positivity" is something I've been grappling with recently but then I couldn't stop laughing because I'm either in Eeyore mode or I'm bouncing around on my tail telling everyone that despite how horrifying the future may seem we're all gonna go there together and have fun. I believe so deeply in people and yet have so few close friends. Paradox!)

(I might also just kind of...be a bitch? I've been really coming around to just accepting that there are so many of my own actions that I should have thought twice about the impact of but in the moment I was just so sure I was right. And, even though, I was right in a lot of the situations, I didn't make the alternatives easy for people to take. I can be very isolating and it's not on purpose! I just squeeze too hard. But like, I just gotta temper it.)

I rewatched Girls at the beginning of this year and was really struck by Marnie's earnestness. Her well-intentioned but incredibly selfish self-exploration across seasons and watching her make bad decisions but instead of having judgement of the character I tried to look at it so compassionately. I have been Marnie, ploughing my way through life so sure I was headed in the right direction only to feel like it lead me right over a cliff. Starting again and again isn't easy. Being earnest is not encouraged. But also, we must be the girl who puts herself out there. Even if we do get made fun of.

Versions!

So many version!