#207 - Over Talker

I went and met my neighbors this morning.

They put together a little get-together and then I showed up 30 minutes before it ended and ended up staying a full 90 minutes chatting.

And since it's been three hours since that happened I'm now hitting my realization threshold of all the weird shit I said and my assumption that we were all super-close now and that nothing I said would ever be like repeated which like, they seem to be very nice but also omg I'm such a gossip and I feel so impulsive and I tried to be good and ask questions but I think I just yammered on and on about myself.

It's so annoying when you've identified the things you're trying to work on but then in-the-moment forget anything you've ever tried to be concious of and just go full-send talk talk talk. It's upsetting because like, I do know better.

Outsmarting myself isn't really possible and yet I think I've spent the past few years trying to convince myself that that's true, one day I'll be able to do it. Because like, what if I can?

This morning I was thinking about journaling and how dedicated I used to be to it until I felt myself not making any changes despite identifying the changes for literal years that I would like to be making.

Lately, I did take some actions to make my life better and do the things I've always wanted to do–namely stand-up comedy. I'm also running my first workshop on Wednesday which feels...incredibly high-stakes but low-stakes because like, it's a free workshop and my first one so hopefully things will only improve from here.

There are workshops I have coming up in September though and I'm already ahead-panicking even though that's not a helpful emotion and honestly even just writing that was helpful and it's always good to get things out of my system but I didn't feel like writing longhand I felt like typing and that's what this blog is FOR and I'm trying to be more casual about using it again because honestly it kind of sucks that I got nervous about having an audience for my writing when that's like...THE thing I should want/desire/crave as a writer.

But then it felt like weird to send personal essays and newsletters should be about something or have a consistent tone and I know that because I've been running a newsletter for my business and that has more than double the amount of followers as this one does because it: provides a service and has a short pitch that makes sense to follow for.

I know what to do but sometime I outsmart my good sense and I don't pay attention to the things I know I should be paying attention to when I'm actually doing the marketing part of marketing.

Instead of putting in the effort I bemoan that it's not already done and then I don't give myself the opportunity to learn/grow/do better next time.

Or like, I can but first I have to clear out the I-hate-myselfs from the place they living within my chest just absolutely shredding my insides and like.

It's just not fun and I want to have FUN and I want to LAUGH and I want to NOT WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING SO MUCH.

I both feel like it's my job to hold the world together (it's not!) and that I am so beyond not up for the task that I don't actually want to hold anything at all (again, no one is asking me to do the first thing so this is just an excuse).

My attention span has gotten worse and you know what's not going to help? Leaning into short-form video content. But I think I want to make videos and I think that's a good move for my business but I also don't want to be SEEN ya know?

But how can I be out there if I'm not willing to put myself out there and also I want to do comedy and that's all tied up into this and I think I can make it enjoyable to have meetings again and I actually think that really matters because humans can/should like each other when they have to spend time together and it's only capitalism that divides us in the end!!!!

Regretting the time wasted just wastes more time though.

It's never too late to begin again.

Every day is another chance to make the moves you wish you made yesterday.

I got a bagel this morning and my favorite coffee and then I got a bag full of vegetables and I'm going to like make salads and have fun and it's going to be great and I'm going to run a workshop for the first time and be able to get feedback and that will be really helpful because I actually love feedback and I love pushing myself I'm just not my best motivator but that doesn't mean I can't become my own best motivator if I try!

Also I should get another reading.

I need to get another bookshelf.

I could also think about moving my apartment around and whatever if I wanted to but I kind of like my kitchen office.

Anyway.

Onwards, upwards, glad my instinct to write kicked in (my instinct to post is probably less...beneficial but honestly it's kind of proof that I did a thing and typed 1000 words if nothing else I really do have to give myself that).

Okay time for a real run through before tomorrow's run throughs!

WHEEEEE.