#203 - Rabbit Rabbit! Welcome to July

The other day I was annoyed with myself because I really wanted to write...something. Anything.

I had so many ideas that I kept starting/stopping/pivoting to a new idea and the cycle repeated so many times I got fed up with myself and didn't end up finishing a single piece.

I’m having that thing where I really want and I really want to create but there’s such a backlog but it feels exhausting to try to even go through so I end up not doing anything at all.

The problem with that though is that then I’ll never do anything and I’ll just be stuck here wanting. Like, forever if I'm not careful.

I’m trying not to do that anymore.

I’m actually earnestly attempting every day now to give myself the opportunity to make things happen, because I know that I can if I try, it’s just that in the past I haven’t wanted to try because I was so afraid to fail.(And there are some things that I’ve tried to get better at but at this point in my life I’m willing to let go of the urge around, like I don’t think I’ll ever be that good at visual art I’ve tried I really have but there’s just something that does not compute and that’s okay. I have nice handwriting. I've made passable watercolor pieces. I’ll just stick with that for now.)

But other things that I have given myself a chance to do have gone okay! Well, even. And if I keep letting myself get overwhelmed, or I tell myself that that’s just how it is, that’s "just who I am", I’ll never give myself the chance to evolve.

Writing is one of those things that’s always come easy to me. The act of sitting down and getting all of my thoughts out is unintimidating to me usually. Turns out it's really undesirable to commit to when I’m finding it difficult. I've rarely had to work my "first draft is the worst draft" muscles over the past few years because it just kept pouring out of me.

And then it stopped being easy so I stopped doing it. It’s cowardly–or at least it’s kind of lame–but it’s true. When I’m sad when I’m depressed when I feel down, that’s when I don’t write. Which is lame but does mean that I can measure my bounce back because all of a sudden, writing is all I want to do.

I do want to create.

I do want to put my name thoughts out there about how this season of America’s Sweethearts was not nearly as good as season one and that, in part, is because of the DCC organization but also because we can't tell True Stories when we're too afraid to actually confront the driving forces of modern society. Does it matter in a world where things are going to absolute shit in very real ways around me every single day? No! Commentary isn't necessary, but there are observations to be made about the sociological implications of a society obsessed with Love Island and I want to take a whack at it!!

The stuff that does matters way harder to talk about way harder to put into words way more delicate way more obtrusive way more occupational of my thoughts and my feelings and so much of my energy is going to keeping The Coldness that I feel growing inside of me at bay.

The recent mayoral primary election in New York City meant a lot to me, I tried really hard to not get my hopes too high to maintain reasonability during the run-up to it. But I was really, really hopeful that we would pull this off that New York would show that there is a future for the Democratic party and more specifically, the Left. The word socialist is so scary to Americans because they've been propogandized into thinking it's the equivalent of Communism and like...it simply is not! Are people who are afraid of socialism afraid of traveling to Sweden? No?? Okay then.

(At a bar recently with some new friends they mentioned being excited about Zohran so I thought it was like an okay place to mention my ongoing attempts to get everyone to actually read the Communist Manifesto aaaaaand I've never seen eyes bulge quite so cartoonishly. Ooops! My (red) slip is showing ahahhhh oh no backpedal time it's okaaay socialism isn't scary and Marx can't hurt you–because he's dead!)

It’s been a really weird few years. It’s been a very weird few months. But there is hope.

There’s something sparking, there’s communities forming, there’s chances to take.

I stopped knowing what this blog was and I started worrying a lot that I was giving advice or was coming off like I knew better than other people. Ironically the advice-giving was happening during the period of time when I was really feeling like I knew less than I’d ever known.

The past year has also been a lot. I've spent (too much time) wondering if I have anything sorted out or if I’m just Pretending all the time and hoping that nobody catches on. (Including myself.) Sometimes I think the delusional thing is really working for me and then other times there’s a total system collapse and I’m like yeah I should probably work on those foundations of self-worth again huh? I don’t need to be an authority. I’m not even trying to be, really!

I think I just come off that way. It's taken me time to accept that I come across really competitive and final in my language sometimes. Certainly in conversation I held the expectation that people would come back at me and doubt me and combat my choices in language. A push so that I then get to pull. Instead, I think I just steamroll. And then I wonder why it’s all collapsing.

I want to do my best in July to not get ahead of myself to not make assumptions about other people or what they’re thinking or feeling. To be more honest when asked questions instead of reaching for the one I think other people will want to hear. To spend more time being curious about what other people think rather than waiting for my turn to share.

I'm good at talking. I'm good at sharing my thoughts across mediums. I'm not nearly as good at listening. At enjoying other people's expertise. I want to be better, so I'm going to get better.

Self-responsibility is a hell of a habit to develop. I've lived alone for almost four years now and it's still a daily battle to get myself to do the dishes before going to bed. I know that I'll feel better in the morning if they're done but ewww dishwater and uuuuuh egg pan.

But taking responsibility for the trajectory of my life???? Terrifying!

What if I get it wrong? What if I never stop panicking about money ever again for the rest of my life? What if I continue to struggle?

Uh oh! Sounds like the beginning of a negative thought self-spiral which means – FREEZE! SWAP IT OUT, HERE WE GO IT'S GROWTH MINDSET TIME!

What if I get it wrong? → What if I get it right?

What if I never stop panicking about money ever again for the rest of my life? → What if capitalism is dismantled and we develop strong enough social safety nets to not panic about financial instability?

What if I continue to struggle? → What if I continue to evolve?

I stopped writing on this blog for a long time because I was feeling lazy, I was writing a different business newsletter so I felt Satisfied with with my demonstrable weekly output, and honestly I stopped feeling like I was in any position to tell an incomplete story or feel like I had ~authority on anything. Which, I don't think is the reason anyone was ever reading this! But when my effort dwindled and so did my confidence and ability to project and just try shit and send it.

Consistency and momentum is key for me. When I have busy days, I have restful nights. When I'm trying my best, I don't spend so much time worrying about what failure looks like. When I come back to form I feel the need to announce it regardless of how many announcements that ultimately racks up.

See? Consistency.

And hopefully idk I have to start somewhere, and this is as good as any. I'll be back with thoughts about things other than myself sooner rather than later. And that's a promise!

Okay byeeeee I hope everyone does something they've been putting off and then gets to laugh at their past-selves for thinking it would be impossible! Wheee!! July!!! Halfway babeeey! If nothing else, time is marching forward!

Sending it!