#202 - June so soon?
or: time goes by
Look it's not the longest streak I've gone unpublished since starting this blog but it's certainly up there.
So, hello, again!
I have been writing weekly prompts over on The Meeting Medic blog, but honestly life's been a bit weird lately and writing about anything has felt...difficult.
The Meeting Medic
Which is usually not an emotion I have about writing! Usually I flow pretty easily. But it hasn't felt Fun. So, in the immortal wisdom of Ben & Jerry's bumper stickers, I stopped doing it.
And it's not like I stopped writing all together or anything–I've been taking a stand-up comedy class for the past six weeks so I've been filling up a comedy notebook (I went with a lime green soft cover Moleskin and I love it so much) at a tremendous speed.
And writing jokes feels really different. It's all about being concise so syntax is more important than ever, but also comfort and ease of delivery.
Having to pretend the jokes are just coming to me, slowing down to really allow them room to breathe and get the laughs they deserve, not getting annoyed with myself when I mix up the order of something or miss a punchline–it's been a really really fun learning process.
I've started going to open mics! They've been going really well! I caught a nasty fucking cold these past two weeks and not being able to go to mics has been majorly bumming me out!!!
But I think I can finally sit in a room without barking like a seal every five seconds so I'm excited to get back out there and like, earnestly attempt to make my dreams come true.
Because for a long time I've been telling myself that I'm not really sure what I want to do anymore. I keep falling into careers that allow me to get obsessed with the subject, but at this point I think I can get really passionate about just about anything (especially if the price is right) so that's not a great guiding light to follow.
The truth is, somewhere along the way, I got bashful about what I really wanted.
Maybe it's the years of sneers reminding me just how hard it is to be a successful writer (never bothering to interrogate their narrow definition of success but whatever let's not get mad at my proxies) but at some point I did get worn down. I stopped believing in myself, and much like Tinkerbell, part of me vanished.
I thought it would be easier to dream small. To set "realistic" expectations.
But like, I live in New York City. If you're gonna do it here, ya gotta do it because there are thousands of talented people waiting for their shot. Commit or quit!
The truth is, I've been really afraid to fail. I thought that my ego couldn't handle it, I've slowly convinced myself (accidentally) that I'm fragile even though there's really no evidence of that.
I get knocked down, but I do, in fact, get up again. (You're never gonna keep me down! Takes a whiskey drink, takes a vodka drink, takes a lager drink, takes a cider drink! Etc!)
Turns out, letting myself get overwhelmed is not the same thing as Not Being Able To Handle It.
I let falsities sink me. I let the outside influence my life more than the inside desires that I've always had and used to readily, proudly, some might say even boastfully admit to.
I'm growing, I'm changing, I'm becoming a better version of myself every day that I show up and actually try my best. I can't let the past define me or what I'm capable of, or else I'll just get stuck there. Again/forever.
And I'm much more of a forward trajectory girlie myself. Even if I've been saying that on here for four years straight, it remains true.
This is my life and I'm living it right now.
So I gotta make choices. Maybe even some wise ones.
Mostly though, I have to let myself have things. I have to let myself try without the fear of failure convincing me to make my efforts smaller, as if falling on my face from a shorter distance will at all cushion the blow. (It won't and I'll be annoyed I deprived myself of the full experience.)
It's June.
Today was gross and hot for the first time that really let the fact that it's summer sink in. I hate summer usually, but this summer I have to go pick up a box of vegetables from the co-op I tried to sign up for four years ago every Saturday so there's one guarantee I'll get out of the house. Mics happen mostly at night so that'll take the edge off the sweat of it all. Getting tickets to things has always worked and I've got a Daily Show taping, a new musical from one of my favorite comedians, a preview of a one-man going to Edinburough, and I got FRAN LEBOWITZ tickets in December which is far away but like WE FULLY DID IT GANG!!!!
Claire B
I have to figure out what's next for me Life Wise, which feels...daunting. But hey, at least I can write through it. At least I know how to make it funny and therefore even a little fun. At least I'm being honest with myself and letting myself be honest with me.
It's going to be...something! Hopefully okay! I'm sure there will be twists and turns I'm not anticipating but having a guiding light, a north star, a thing I'm trying to achieve again, that makes the path feel a little clearer. I at least have a destination in mind even if I'm not exactly sure which path is going to be right for me.
Feels good to be out here again.
I've missed it. I've missed this. I've missed me.
Also the comedian teaching me stand-up is someone I used to watch on a Canadian music television show that would get ripped and uploaded to YouTube. Wild! The world is so whacky that way! She's really wonderful and gives feedback really well and hearing that she thinks I'm funny has been so...cool. Neat. Wonderful, even.
We're back babeeeey in whatever capacity I can Be Back. (It might be cyclical or something.) I'm getting righteous again about plus size clothing being dowdy for no reason!!! I want short skirts dammit stop assuming I want to hide my giant thighs!!!!
Okay! That's it for now. But there WILL BE MORE SOON! Please enjoy my handwritten notes that I drilled into my head for my first long-ish six minute mic below because I got really specific about everything without actually writing down punchlines which feels like some kind of skill.
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