#200 - We Made It (sde iv no. 7!)

It's very silly to me that my final essay in my seven days of effort streak lands on the 200th essay published on Smoke Show.

Silly because it feels like such a Big Number but here we are, somewhat unceremoniously.

I planned to do a review similar to my 100th essay, going back through my favorites that I've published over the last two years.

That still might happen, but that's not going to happen in this essay.

Today felt like the end of a very long nightmare. The first time I've really let myself breathe in a while.

It's gotten so bad and I didn't want to admit that for so many reasons, most of all my keen awareness that I just had to keep going and eventually I would see daylight again.

I did my laundry this morning. Woke up at 5:15 and got it all put away by 8am. My laundromat is on the corner and I'm often one of two people in the entire place. The guy manning the door definitely has the graveyard shift and sometimes he turns on all three TVs in there at full volume. Plus the radio.

It's a real party in there!

When I started writing this blog, I was still dropping off my laundry. I lived with another person and we would wait way too long to do a drop off and then would be desperate to get our clothes back. It never crossed my mind to just...use the machines myself at the time.

So much has changed in the last four years. My life looks nothing like it used to–hell it doesn't even look like it did this time last year.

It certainly doesn't feel like it used to, but maybe that's just part of growing up. Maybe that's just what happens when you're 32 and life continues to throw your values into sharp relief. Maybe that's what happens when you read your back catalogue and feel like bouncing your head against the nearest surface because you were talking about Biden being a terrible leader and how not having a primary was a really REALLY bad idea and then just had to...watch your worst (predictable!!!!) fears unfold.

Maybe if I was right about that, I can also be right about things like the fact that making the fare free for all public transportation would be good for everyone.

My best friend and I joke about our summoning powers because after we discuss a celebrity, news event, woman in history, the fact that we can't find our keys, they suddenly pop up.

So like, summoning circle for Zohran For Mayor let's gooooo.

I'm trying to focus less on the past and spend more energy crafting my future. I'm trying to take responsibility for how I spend my time every day and get better at spending my mornings wisely again. I'm trying my best.

Sometimes it's good enough, and sometimes I come up short. Sometimes I come up really short and surprise myself at my lack of thoughtfulness, but I'm also learning to forgive myself. Not because I'm perfect, but because I'm not. No one is. I am not uniquely bad or uniquely good. I'm just a person who is trying to get it right.

I think maturity is measured by the gap between not wanting to do something and getting it done anyway.

I think this is the first time in my life that I've really understood the scope of responsibility I have to myself and those I love and it's overwhelming to comprehend because of the grief that comes along with realizations.

Trying to be grateful for the growth but also tend to the very real damage that I have caused in my time grappling with myself.

I didn't know what trust was. The composition of it escaped me. I didn't realize the damage that took years to uncover was always there, I was just really scared of being alone so I acted like everything was fine. I really did want it to be fine. I thought I really was fine with it.

But to repair, there has to be honesty. For there to be honesty, there has to be vulnerability.

And vulnerability without trust??? OOOH BABEEEEY NOOOO.

Right get that fire exit door, I'm out of here!

But it begets itself.

The more vulnerable we are, the more people can know us, the more they can trust us because our actions align with our promises, the more vulnerable they can be because the trust is established, it's all one big spiral of joy and acceptance and belief and faith that everyone is able to be themselves and express themselves.

I want nothing more than to be told the truth. I'm working on my reactions not immediately being defensive because I'm learning to let go of the idea that I am a fixed person and really come to understand the capabilities I have in terms of growth.

Today I woke up and did laundry. I went for a walk during lunch. I felt better about myself because I followed through on doing all the things I said I was going to do.

INCLUDING THIS NEWSLETTER YAAAAY!!! SEVEN DAYS OF EFFORT WE DID IT IT'S DONE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING THIS ON MY NEW SMALL BUSINESS BLOG BUT WHATEVER YAAAAY I PROVED TO MYSELF THAT I DO HAVE SELF-DISCIPLINE AND THE ABILITY TO STICK TO A PLAN WHEEEEE!!!

Well, that's the signoff I guess.

Weird week! I'm sure I'll have fun looking back on these seven essays, let alone the 193 that came before them for the retrospective.

That's 100 above-average essays babeeeey! We're doing it, we're doing it!