#197 - Growing a Growth Mindset (sde iv no. 4)

One of the best and simultaneously overwhelming feelings is when I realize in live-time that I'm reading a book that is changing/going to change my life.

It happened most potently with Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art because for all that we do there is nothing we do more often than breathe, it happened again when rereading 1984 last year (and the morning I spent with Animal Farm on New Years Day), and last month I got my absolute shit rocked by Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.

The authors, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen break down the nebulous concept of "feedback" in ways that made my brain feel like it was actively rearranging my understanding of self, the world, and what others are trying to communicate to me.

But the biggest thing I'm taking away from the first reading is that we all respond differently to feedback, and for many of us, the good stuff doesn't stick.

And the bad stuff varies wildly in how long it takes people to "get over" and be able to apply the useful lessons that can be gleaned from feedback.

Because, even if it's "wrong" it's a conversation starting point. Asking for clarity without trying to defend or deny allows for deeper illumination. It's rare that we can create that kind of space for honesty, because it's so easy to see feedback as defining to Who We Are.

There's a chart in the book when they're describing the difference between "growth mindset" and a "fixed mindset" and today I wrote it on my whiteboard that's behind my desk because, well, as my sister put it, "I need a growth mindset to get a growth mindset."

I want the words GROWTH MINDSET on a fucking bumper sticker.

I keep coming across various personality categorizations (Enneagram, astrology, mindsets apparently) that repeat the same premise: there is a healthy and unhealthy expression of the behaviors.

It's not bad to want to change, but it can be unhealthy to be obsessed with it.

We've seen how self-improvement can become a never ending rabbit hole for people, a self-defeating loop of increasingly conceited takes about who think we are vs. how we come across to others vs. who we actually are.

But if we're too afraid of the truth how will we grow?

And if we're too defensive to hear feedback how will we ever know?

I am not solely defined by who I am, I am able to actively define/re-define myself with my actions and What I Do!

I'm here to learn babeeeey! I don't know shit! I know what I know but I'm always willing to learn more!

Every day is a chance to do better, to take chances, to try new things and meet new people and learn new words and form closer bonds through honesty.

Feedback is another skill that we have very little resources given to us about how to do well. (Art schools may hold critique but what did a fellow 19 year old have to tell me about my writing that they barely read that was of any actual value?)

And often when we're receiving it, the risks are so high. Not having guaranteed universal basic income makes us all incredibly vulnerable to work feedback, which is the only kind of feedback that we regularly sanction or schedule.

Of course it's a skill we have little practice in. Of course it ties deeper into our psyche than almost any other form of communication. And of course there's actually three types of it and we're often unclear which type (evaluation, coaching, or praise) we're seeking or is being sought and therefore most feedback interactions leave one or both people unsatisfied!

Anyway, gotta get a growth mindset, so I gotta, uh, grow!