#178 - Vape Pens & Vintage Stores vault into Friday vvith: The Twelve Days of Smokemas Day 8 | Dream Handbags and Where To Find Them

I think everyone has an item they really love to shop for.

For some it's shoes, for others tech gear.

For me: handbags.

Always has been. I've always picked my way through every department store selection, scoured the Coach website starting in seventh grade (and ending never, I'm still regularly looking at Rogues even though I know they're too heavy), and slowly amassed my bag collection over the years.

Finding my bags has truly one of the greatest joys in my life.

At this point, I own most of my dream bags. The first one I snagged 10 years ago. The Puma Grip Bag was $17 according to my tumblr (this is why having an online archive rules sometimes) and while I was definitely more excited about that Coach bag at the time, that bag never got used and was donated right back into the thrift system from whence it came. (My sister owned the mini version of this bag when we lived in Ireland and I would give anything to know where that little guy ended up!)

I still love the Puma bag and use it to this day. Honestly it's only gotten less use this year because I acquired my other dream bag in May – a Louis Vuitton Speedy in Black Epi Leather size 35 with Silver Hardware.

TheRealReal might be full of fakes but this bag came through and I love it so much! I can't count the number of hours I have spent scrolling that site for this exact bag at a price I could deem reasonable enough to go for. Also, if you view a bag enough times the site will drop the price to entice you and if you let CapitolOne shopping scrape your data and wait 12 hours they'll usually send you a bonus rebate offer because capitalism is desperate for us to click.

But boy oh boy when I found one I clicked hard. This bag is my babeyyyy which is a little funny to my friends because I outwardly detest the LV monogram so much that I never really loved the brand itself. But oh man they've got some beautiful structures and the speedy is so damn classic!

I don't spend a lot of money on clothes. My wardrobe spending is mostly focused on jackets, bags, and sunglasses. I'm fat and honestly a lot of the plus-size clothes on offer for me are extremely basic pieces, or they exist at the other end of the spectrum and border on costume-y (not always and there are a ton of amazing plus size fashion girls who put together incredible ensembles but I've always loved accessories so that's where my wardrobe building-out is concentrated).

(Sidenote on buying secondhand luxury brands online: resale sites are over-inflating their prices wildly these days and comparing them across different sites can be helpful but honestly I've only gotten bags from TheRealReal and EBay and eBay has a way better authentification & return policy!) (Top tip for eBay: try subtle typos if you're looking for something specific and you'll usually find it slightly cheaper because whoever made the posting isn't a professional they're not copy/pasting they're just selling their stuff like the good 'ol eBay days!) (A lot a lot of luxury bags come over from Japan and that's what eBay is kind of Known For in the bag world. TRR is known for fakes and bad customer service, but I will say that neither of those things have ever been my experience and when my friend had her packages stolen they refunded her BUT there's risk in all resale!) (Also also also, if the bag you want is trendy right now, but you don't want it because it's trendy, wait six months and get the exact colorway you want for way cheaper when everyone sells theirs in order to get the next sac du jour for New Car prices because that's what brings some people joy and their overconsumptive tendencies bring ME joy when I get their shit for cheap!)

Anyway, sometimes you go over to your friends house and she recommends looping by the vintage store around the corner where you got the best couch ever years ago so you go to browse and when you go to the register to buy the Sonny & Cher album that you found you spot an epi leather Pont Neuf bag and you just want to see if you like the shape but when you mention epi leather the Buyer ✨lights up✨ and starts pulling out all of the other epi leather options that were hidden and then she says the magic word "speedy" and your heart kind of skips a beat because there's no way she knows but you know that sent this text literally the day before:

So while I politely debated and tried on the Alma (which did come with a strap, a rarity!) and the Pont Neuf (which has gorgeous construction and the dark brown is so stunning if you're looking for a Grown Up bag I can't recommend it enough) but as soon as I saw the little lilac 25 like, oh! That ones coming home with me.

And so she did! Because it was really well priced and they were having a Christmas sale so I got her for 25% OFF!!!!!

<< angel chorus noises >>

A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

The saleswoman/collector/buyer first described the color as "taupey beige" so imagine my surprise when she pulled out the lilac grey (which I do get the taupe description for because it's so cool toned and not purple-y at all)!

A dream of dreams and in the exact size I wanted because I love how much my big speedy fits but it's so big that I never take it out at night. And also, now after holding the new bag, I realize just how wildly heavy that bag actually is and I'm SO EXCITED this color goes with EVERYTHING and it works in every season and it can be used in day or night and there are no dents and the lock was still on it AAAHAHHHHH!!! We did it! We sourced!

I love thrifting in New York. I love taking people thrifting in New York. It's such a rush! Finding things in person just adds a little sprinkle of special to the entire situation. Meant 2 be!

I feel incredibly spoiled to be able to source things just by stumbling into them. There are days where I've gone out and found absolutely nothing, but there are other days where we debate calling a cab because we've acquired too many coats and the bags are so voluminous we're wary of whether we'll fit on the subway.

There's something rewarding about the search and the gratification of the find, but I'm also never more aware of the fact that I really live in New York than when I say things like "I'm looking for a Ralph Lauren knit sweater" out loud to no one and proceed find three Ralph button downs and a sweater in my size clumped together on a rack I usually walk right by at Crossroads. I've now had to debate several times if I want a sweater with a polo bear on it while standing in line at L Train, a debate I didn't imagine I'd have the opportunity to have more than once!

I haven't invested in one because while I love sweaters–and the polo bear so so so much–I am too worried about staining them because the reality is: my boobs are big and when food drops or coffee slips past the crack in the stupid lid I don't want to be devastated by a natural consequence of a spill landing and staining. And thus, investing in epi, a leather so durable that both of my bags are from 1996 and look like this!

These are Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton bags babeeey and can I just say, thank you Marc for having the most incredible instincts when it comes to hardware and pocket structure across every brand he has ever worked for! Another one of our great American designers and looking at his shows helped me understand layering and earth tones and textures but also he's just so new york and so fucking cool and we'll never have another quite like him!

(One day he will take the typography off of his bags and I will covet them once again. His jelly purses from last year were so fucking cute in person I wanted to bite them but they were ultimately crossbody and I...need a handle I just DO my shoulders are slopey and I don't wear things across my chest.)

Anyway, I couldn't be more thrilled, I'm absolutely buzzing and almost want to go out somewhere tonight even though I've had a very adventurous day (and it's Wintery Mixing and freezing cold and I'm tired) just because I love to debut a bag and I love to reverse engineer an outfit based on an accessory.

Bags rule, but I also think I'm going to ban myself from adding anything more to the collection anytime soon. Maybe like a whole year of Purse Peace before I get back into the wishlist. Honestly, I got the Mulberry Alexa like five years ago and besides the Balenciaga City Bag that's been on there since I was 14, I think all of my long time bag crushes live with me.

I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful and like idk, Merry Christmas to ME this is my present from Santa (sponsored by Visa).

I used to think fashion wasn't For Me. And to be fair, a lot of it isn't. But opening myself up to playing with different sillouhettes, adding volume to my body with oversize or loose pants, figuring out how to make my shorts short enough that my legs no longer looked stumpy, finding jackets that I love and that work with multiple different outfits, it's all taken years to add up to a wardrobe that I love and am really proud to own.

Having a friend who went to fashion school and taught me how to shop and remarked casually on new ways to wear/combine/think about clothing made a huge difference.

Counting myself in, finding plus size specific thrift places, focusing on finding things that felt good to wear and were versatile and that weren't just another version of something I already had was life changing.

Four years ago, I was invited to a New Years party with my ex.

I didn't want to go. I knew I didn't have an outfit, and I didn't have any clothes that made me feel better when I put them on, and I felt frumpy and out of place in my own body (and life) and I knew that no one was going to compliment anything I had on so it would be weird when I complimented them and–

I went. It was a bad party. I wore an outfit I didn't love and spent the night fidgeting, feeling off trend and pulling my shirt down and my draping my long cardigan over and over again in an attempt to make sure it wasn't catching in any of my belly rolls. I felt out of place and awkward but I tried to drink my way through it which made me feel even worse because I don't like using substances to squash my feelings because that's a slippery fuckin' slope!

Feeling physically clunky in your own body is really isolating.

In the Mean Girls DVD extras, the costume designer details how she changed Regina's styling to reflect her discomfort at the Kalteen weight. She wore athletic pants, she didn't take her coat off at Cady's party, she had longer sleeves that she was pulling down. She sought less attention. Clothes tell stories in ways that we don't always vocalize.

Looking back, those actions were extremely consistent for how I would carry myself right up until about three years ago, when that relationship ended and I started consciously pulling my shoulders back and not slouching in order to make myself seem more diminutive.

I'm uh, naturally just...not. Doesn't vibe with my vibe.

(Standing up straight is also a side effect of focusing on breathing correctly//posture forever!)

My #1 review from people who don't know me is that I'm intimidating. I'm a large person who often wears platform shoes and I take up room.

And for years and years my outfits were constructed around creating the smallest possible version of my body. I hated my clothes and therefore living in them was difficult and made it really really hard to like myself.

When I got the first influx of clothes in November 2021, I finally understood why it took my friends so long to try on outfits and mix-and-match and put on a top and then put on a different one and then a skirt and maybe actually the skirt goes better with the first top and oh no I wanted to wear the little Lee Radziwill hair on calf cow print bag but with the denim dress it makes me lean cowboy so–

I felt a little bit like I did after having sex for the first time – oh! this is what the fuss was about. I get it I get it I see what's been going on I'm part of the club now, phew.

Enjoying my wardrobe has improved my quality of life in ways I'm sure I don't take notice of. Nothing NOTHING is better than getting a smile from a stylish girl in the streets of new york omg anytime it happens I feel like I'm floating.

Showing up and getting a "that looks SO cute on you!" is a feeling I wish I could bottle.

(The people who tend to vocally appreciate my bags the most though are the dudes on Canal selling the knockoffs because they KNOW the bags on sight from down the block and they often hold up bags they think I'll like and you know what, a lot of times they are correct!)

Bags were always there, always safe, always size inclusive. In stores I couldn't search through racks because they simply didn't have my size (and shopping on the mens side of thrift is great for sweaters, flannels, and jackets so in the summer it got dicey!) I would drift towards the bags and study them for way too long to burn the time my friends were spending in the dressing room. Noting which shapes I liked, take note of the hardware, the size of the buckles, hold them up and see if I liked to proportion of bag::body.

It didn't happen overnight. It was a slow accumulation of both clothing and confidence. And now I literally have to block therealreal from my web browser because I do NOT need this bag in brown now but I check that shit for price drops so much it feels like muscle memory to go again and again and the only way to break a habit is to create a barrier!

I refuse to have addictions to anything, including shopping!

But few shopping experiences will ever top today.

And I got a Sonny & Cher record to boot! My Cher vinyl collection is close to being complete!!!!

Okay well, that's it for today we're officially more than halfway through smokemas thank you all so much for tuning in so far (and an extra special heeeyyy!!! for making it this far in this particular essay) and there's more to come including some reviews and I'm determined to succeed and document this last mad dash of the year because the way my guilt operates I now have to make sure I'm earning the bag I already bought via producing good works.

Happy Friday hope everyone has a FANTASTIC weekend! Maybe try manifesting your dream wardrobe item by being real specific about it and then allowing the universe to direct the path. Worth a shot at least!

Happy hunting!