#169 - Connected Thoughts

It's been a weird month.

Sorry, year.

Sorry, four years.

Sorry, honestly, these last two decades have been kind of a whirlwind and I was too young in the 90s to take in anything besides downloading AOL disks to the chunky desktop and wiggling those weird water toys back and forth, unaware of the specific wrist actions that would come in handy later in life.

Of course it's been weird, the world is weird and things have been weird for a while.

I've started reaching existential crisis on a pretty recurring basis, and I can honestly say that laughing at the absurdity of human life and life on this planet vs. lack of life on the other (known) planets is helpful!

Because like, we're here, on this earth, which grows food, naturally, on trees, that we can eat and get all of our necessary nutrients from, and we're fighting over shit that we made up!

I just can't take anyone seriously when they say we have no solutions to current problems, because we've actually never had more solutions.

The amount of labor available? Unprecedented.

The quantities of nutritious food grown? Historic!

The speed of medical advancements? We're breaking the sound barrier babes.

Which makes every problem we're currently facing infuriating.

Because it's all solvable.

Energy crisis? Environmental collapse? Babe, scientists HAVE answers and we're even going to like some of them!

The free market isn't the worst idea in the world – it's just that we haven't actually had one. There is no pressure on fossil fuel companies to pivot, no question of why we haven't regulated the tech industry, no public options for healthcare, certainly limited options for public wifi despite the internet becoming a requirement for daily life – but oh wait we're also not enforcing that whole anti-trust law anymore which is causing companies to become monopolies and yes the airline industry always was one because they literally got together at a ranch every year in Jackson Hole to discuss their blanket policy changes so now that can just happen inside their boardrooms instead but it's still ridiculous!

And it's literally everywhere which erodes all public trust in government!

Which makes it really really hard to improve public services because we DO have an underlying belief in America that private will always do it better (even though we shouldn't because the 1930's fucking happened and all of our best bridges were PUBLIC WORKS aaaahhhhh!) and now charter schools exist in droves and kids can't read anymore and teachers who were always undervalued are being forced to quit because it's way easier to tell people what to do when those people can't think for themselves and therefore welcome fascistic leaders because they want to be told what to do, but I know that halfway through this sentence you heard the faint crinkle of tinfoil in the distance because it sounds sooo ~ the government is making kids stupid so they vote republican ~ but uh, that's literally what's happening.

And modern life is so exhausting and we're inundated with decision making that has 0.00 "correct" answers that we can feel Morally Right about making so I get the urge to just opt-out for a single fucking second!

(And understanding the unsavory emotions and reactions that I philosophically resist has become a necessary part of life for me because I refuse to write people off for struggling to deal with the complexities of the modern world and latching onto "other people bad" as the answer – it's being provided by people who are IN POWER why wouldn't they believe them? Also, if I succumb to writing them off, I become a purveyor of "other people bad" and I don't think that! I think most of the badness is institutional and yes people make up institutions but very few of them consent to the beliefs before being warped irrevocably by them!)

Anyway, I think government has a duty to its citizens and not the other way around! I think the influx of donations coming from PACs to reinforce corporate interests of dinosaur companies that can't innovate beyond extortion is what's killing this country, and not the undocumented workers who offer their labor in the most necessary markets who are not the enemy and never have been!

Like yeah the American Dream is dead, we hate immigrants and outsourced all of our manufacturing. We stopped innovating because it was cheaper to lock it down and make sure nothing ever changed because "the market" is inherently scared and conservative and the internet was supposed to not be that but uhhhhh mmmmm we couldn't have that so in came the VCs now "the internet" feels like it exists on like three legacy social media sites and everything else is bad UX "portals" that all require an outdated version of a browser to actually use because god forbid the new york state government website work on a mobile device.

The overwhelming guilt inherent in this country is eating it alive btw. The left doesn't feel they have anything to fight for because we're protecting...what? a legacy of genocide and racist exploitation?? Meanwhile the right is gnawing off their own arm rather than admit they've ever done anything wrong in their entire life.

(My biggest gripe with the Leftist guilt is like...do they want to talk to any Native Americans and get some dialogue for how we can attempt to right wrongs and heal, do they want to push for reperations for all victims of american imperialism starting with the descendents of enslaved people, or do they just want to continue to use the brutality of the founding of this country as a "gotcha" because like we can't change the past but we CAN inform the future and wallowing in guilt is step ONE of a grief process but so often movements get trapped there!)

"But if people aren't afraid they'll die or be houseless they won't want to work!"

<< Regina George voice >> So you agree, you think the current state of employment is hinged on exploitation and therefore employers are able to bypass safety regulations and equitable workplaces because we're being held hostage in a system that we cannot improve because the collapse of it will cause like six dudes in a boardroom to not be The Wealthiest People Alive anymore?

If a company is only profitable because it commits wage theft, it's not....actually profitable. If a company is only profitable because they lobby the government to uphold antiquated standards it's not...actually innovative.

People keep trying to "solve" traffic problems by adding more cars and like. Uh. Guys? We've actually already solved this.

And I know, I live in a city where personal cars make NO sense rather than a suburb that was maliciously designed in order to make cars make sense, but STILL.

Sorry!!!! Sorry people don't want to mingle because their car is the only privacy they have but also got made into a status symbol of independent wealth and also people are scared of public transit because we've been fearmongered for so long that we're afraid of interacting with other people!

I just – I hate that everything feels so resistant to change.

Because that is conservatism.

And it's clouding everything so obscenely and everyone is clinging to their comfort with such vigor because nothing is promised so why not mine the earth for what we can while we can and enjoy the chocolate despite what we know about its manufacturing practices because it could all disappear and then I'll regret not indulging when I had the chance and–

The more individualistic society becomes, the more individualistic solutions become, and indulging in the framework is harder and harder to resist.

And if I say making a joke of "welcome to the resistance" and treating the anti-fascist movement as if it was modeled off of Star Wars and not the other way around and if I say I'm losing it at people saying its "weird" how well Wicked comments on the moment we're in because they say IN THE TEXT that those who ignore history do so at their own peril. Like **RINGS THE ALARM BELL LOUDER** WE ARE THE ONES IN PERIL!

It may not feel that way because our typical creature comforts exist in largely the same capacity they always did. But the meat has more listeria and the floods keep happening and FEMA gives out loans not aid and the middle class no longer exists but we have to pretend because the worst thing you could call someone in this country is poor.

Wealth is so stupid. It guarantees nothing. They think they're going to hoard all this money and go to Mars and leave us all behind, but they're not the miracles. The earth is.

I wish people weren't so embarrassed by their desires. The idea that it's juvenile to believe in the goodness of other people, to trust in collective action, that is the psy-op. Shame is at the crux of everything.

Trump's last chief of staff allowed a coup-attempt because he was afraid of being yelled at.

And honestly, thanks Mark Meadows for doing more for my relationship to being yelled at than a therapist ever did.

Because holy shit did I get the fuck over that. You mean that fear doesn't just go away if I'm perfect or get a job deemed important it's like a skill of refusal that I have to work like a muscle so that in times of peril I can rely on the MUSCLE MEMORY of not caring if other people are mad at me if I'm making a decision I know is Right?

It's just like watching Scientology docs and being alarmed that the thing that keeps them all locked in their own brains is bottom of the barrel hazing shit. Wearing nametags that say "poophead" on them should not render adults incapable of self-protection but it does. And our inability to acknowledge that makes us much easier victims of it.

And it sounds so stupid because that's what effective bullying is – actions that sound banal or even silly when described to others but are slowly withering the souls of the victims.

We act like everything is based on fact when it's literally all based on feeling.

Like, I know why Trump voters vote for him.

He makes them feel good!

Powerful, emboldened, correct!

It's a winning strategy, which is why the Democrats spent this entire election cycle making their base feel: stupid, fanciful, and wrong!

"We want a proper primary!" Well, you're getting Joe Biden.

"We would like you to stop committing war crimes!" What if our spokespeople start smirking when delivering press releases about children dying instead?

"Hey are you going to mention Medicare For All?" No 💕

The Republicans are also pissing on their supporters (sorry, I'm not kinkshaming watersports I'm making an analogy) but they tell their supporters how wonderful the piss is and how much the piss is going to benefit them so they're all dancing happily while getting pissed on. Meanwhile the Dems are going full Cooter Burger, "No it's not. We checked it and it's not."

This month I've felt chafed on the inside of my body. I'm irritated all the time in ways I cannot seem to describe and it's shorting all of my thoughts.

I feel like I can't focus on anything because the answers to the questions remain intolerable.

I do still believe in people. I keep hearing "half of the country voted for him" but that is NOT TRUE!

A third of the country did.

And that matters because a third voted for the other person, and a third did not vote.

That doesn't shock me, because that's how power works in a two-party system. Which is why we should have wayyyyy more parties. Third party? No. Fifth party. Seventh party. I want to have single-issue parties.

"That can't happen in our current electoral system–"

Okay well what change IS possible? And why are we acting like the fascists are the only ones with blueprints for how to get their shit going?

The Revolutionary War was fought because elites didn't want to pay their taxes. Like sure they were anti-monarchy but they were really pro-keeping all their money. Which is why most people in the US, didn't really care about the war. Wanna guess the percentage of people who cared/didn't care/were against?

It's even thirds again! Because humans have never agreed on anything and history is often written by winners and we project modern ideals onto decisions made when those ideals were unfathomable! Of course the SOUTH didn't create the 3/5ths compromise, why would they want to lessen their population count in a government framework reliant on power proportional to population??

But we think it's incongrous that the Good Non-Racist North would do such a thing – despite the fact that the racism wasn't why the practices of slavery ended! The abolition movement we like to scoff at as white feminism was predicated on–wait for it–saving the white mans souls from the rot of racism!

Is that the most noble reason? No of course not. But like, without it the Emancipation Proclamation doesn't happen.

LBJ was a bad dude with decent policies because he did believe in catering to the base. The base is now not catered to because Citizens United allowed the donor class to rule. Oligarchy via dark money.

So. Like I said. It's been a weird month.

I'm trying to maintain some sense that it's okay to have all the reactions I'm having without trying to cover my thoughts up too much because I refuse to feel like I'm being Too Much just for experiencing concern.

The dems were a little too eager to throw the most vulnerable members of their base under the bus for me to ever trust them again. AOC is a sellout (she always has been, before she was a bartender she was a lobbyist) and no one seems to acknowledge that the "Israel has a right to defend itself" line wore thin 11 months ago.

At least I haven't seen Elizabeth Warren eating in public for the past year. I'm glad she feels ashamed of herself and her lack of action around Palestine. It's the bare minimum I expect from those in power right now. Some fucking shame.

It would be wayyyy better if that shame compelled her to ACT instead of hiding, but I have almost no respect for any senator so.

It's good that I can't end this without another rant. Feels good. I mean it feels incredibly bad but the sentences are all concluding. I'm letting myself feel the anger all the way through, I'm reaching the logical and infuriating conclusions the dearth of leadership has created, and I'm so deeply annoyed that a lot of the very best people I know never ever want to engage with politics because it is so corrupt and messy, which has meant that for centuries this country has been at the mercy of the most corrupt among us, setting standards of corruption that fracture the foundation of community.

It's hard.
We were promised comfort that does not exist, that maybe never existed or only existed due to the exploitation of an underclass that we refused to acknowledge.

We can't put our knowledge back in the box, but we can at least hold onto the notion that there is something worth fighting for.

Each other.