#161 - First to ten, do it again

I did it! I wrote seven (eight, technically – I never got used to counting the spaces traveled in a board game and still have trouble remembering if the square you start on counts) essays in a row and didn't judge myself when I wrote them and when I went back today and re-read them I was actually really thrilled with how they turned out.

The 52 essay deadline looms large in the future, and last time went so well that I've decided to simply: do it again!

I think increasing quantity makes me far less afraid of failure because if I didn't love how Tuesday's essay went, I had a brand new opportunity on Wednesday. The dream! And it really is that easy!

The easiest way to resist the envy of "I could have done that" is to do it. People sell books because they wrote the manuscript, not because they had a good idea for one. The work comes first but I never feel like doing the work because I am sloth in ways that feel dramatic but like – I am really lazy and I thoroughly enjoy watching television and movies and theatre like, easily entertained. Happy to slice and dice it into importance of pop culture and context after, but mostly just there for the ride.

The problem with not doing things, is that then they remain undone. And while there are some ideas I'm fine letting pass by, there are others that I'm always hesitant to capture without writing a Long Essay about it, only to never write it because I've made it far too big a deal in my head to get my arms around what could have been presented as best I could instead of The Best Possible Form which is imaginary and I should stop thinking that it exists to hold my work up against at some future time.

I like to say my self-worth exists in a 1 → 100 scale but like, there is no middle.

I'm either a complete failure or total genius. And that's bad so I'm really working on existing much more in the 50 range. Which really means accepting that I am a person, capable of whatever I'm willing to put effort into.

Not writing means nothing gets written. It's that simple. You don't show up everyday to batting practice in order to hit a home run, but you are far more likely to hit it out of the park when you show up to batting practice.

But practice is practice and it takes effort but that's also part of the sport. My sister likes to remind people when they're volunteering that they're already volunteering when standing in the line to find out their assignments. People get a lot less huffy about having to wait when the wait feels like part of the mission.

Half of the essays I've written are statistically below average when ranked. But there are so many of these suckers that it means I have 80 above average essays as well. Incredible.

This might be more of how a median number works than an average but I was bad at math which is why I got a a writing degree in the first place.

Writing takes effort.

Sorry. I mean life. Life takes effort.

But you get out what you're willing to put into it and what an incredible rate of return that is.

When I avoid writing I know I'm avoiding myself and I know that's usually happening because I haven't taken it upon myself to do the things that I know will materially improve my life.

I hate when my apartment is messy because I know it's a visual representation of how little I care to clean it. But I hate living in any kind of mess, even when it's just little objects on my coffee table and yet it's still a daily practice to clean up after every little thing I do.

That, in part, is the appeal of effortlessness.

My ultimate theory of "cool girl" came from the many depictions of women who could get ready quickly because

• they didn't wear a lot of makeup
• everything in their closet was chic and therefore whatever they put on worked

The appeal is not a woman who doesn't care about her appearance, but rather one that doesn't appear to care. Can't catch her with a pimple, but her skincare routine is a bar of soap and cetaphil. That whole vibe.

But everything takes effort and engaging with your dreams means finally figuring out what they are and charging straight ahead. Or taking a bunch of detours on the way because life is rarely linear and the more we try to create static situations the more we realize just how little control we actually have.

But I do control my effort, which is why I get down on myself for sleeping through morning walks or letting my newsletter sit dormant for months even though I do think taking a break was probably good, but tbh it was mostly cowardly.

I didn't want to write about anything real because I don't really have words for the horror beyond the ones I was sending to my reps and I was mostly yelling at them so it didn't feel good to share in that because misery is rarely the vibe I'm trying to bring.

I bring it accidentally though! All the time! Can't stop talking about how bad things are to everyone who is willing to listen because I don't think a lot of people Get It but that's also a coping mechanism I guess.

And who can blame them?

Oh to be a low-information voter. You have to imagine their heart rate stays so steady all the time.

Just remembered that I can stand while at my desk and got so excited.

I'm trying to make fewer excuses these days, ultimately. Look both ways before crossing the street but cross jesus christ you've been talking about crossing forever.

A lot of times I approach myself with like deep understanding and love but rolling my eyes at myself is sometimes also an effective motivator.

I feel like I am best when set with a task and expectations. Horses for courses. Tell me the jumps and I'll practice until I soar through.

But structuring my own life that way? Setting myself up for success and stability without relying on others and doing things that I find scary because they're necessary and the only way to grow is to go?

Am I potentially attempting to motivate myself via writing it out in this essay because I feel quite stuck but know that I am the only one who can dig myself out of the hole I find myself in and writing has truly never failed me before as a tactic so, let's go.

1/7 pt deux!