#155 - You can do whatever you want, forever

One of the best part of doing things alone is getting to leave whenever you want to.

No hesitation necessary. Not having fun? Head home! Need a coffee? Stop and get one! There are no rules it's your life and no one else is around to consider!

I went to the Agust D | Suga concert by myself last year and it was great. While I was there opening night, I did manage to ascertain via the stage direction that it was close to the end, and not wanting to get stuck in a huge line I headed out.

Then, because I'm me/Irish I had a twinge of guilt about leaving early and snagging and taxi home while he was still on stage thanking people and making sure the band got recognition. I know this because I logged on and caught a stream in the back of my cab.

Later I read online that it took some people two hours to catch an LIRR. So the regret went away with that one!

(And look, I'm always a good sport about staying when others way to, I even try to not immediately go negative with reviews after leaving a show/movie/set because I like to give everyone space to have opinions and also it's lame to bring down the mood just because I personally thought something could have been higher quality.)

Recently I took myself to see the Moulin Rouge!: The Musical because I love that movie and think Aaron Tviet is a great performer and I saw a clip of him and Jojo singing their faces off and thought it would be good!

It, uh, was not.

First of all, it's a pop jukebox musical and while I love Mamma Mia (I was in a production of it, love the campiness of the movies), I don't think I realized just how much of the audience reaction would chalk up to, "Oh hey I know this one!" anytime a song started.

It turns out I don't really like broadway-ified pop songs. Kind of unbearable. And if I, a lover of both pop and broadway don't enjoy it, I have to ask: who is it for?

The audience clapped when Shut Up And Dance With Me started. My bias against certain songs is without question associated with if I heard the song 7000x throughout a shift at one of my many retail jobs over the past decade, but certain songs just sound like they were made for mall playlists – and Moulin Rouge's entire soundtrack is chock full of them.

(Also, Jojo wasn't there. And while her understudy sang really well and did her best which was excellent – I was there partly because I thought the leads had great chemistry and while the two did their best I do think it would have been better with Jojo as Satine.)

The other problem I had with it was the sex-negativity? Lots of slut shaming going on in a show about sex workers! Very weird vibes I do not enjoy hearing an audience laugh at womens pain or circumstances they find themselves in with terrible men!

The costumes were gorgeous, the stage was very cool, but they also opened the show in a way I absolutely hated.

Ten minutes before the curtain goes up, performers start to trickle onto the stage and interact with each other. They dance a little, they swoop their legs around while lounging in the many lofts around the stage, and interact with the audience that paid way too much money to sit on the stage.

But this means that you're not allowed to take photos. Which would be fine, except you've been allowed for the last twenty minutes and they don't announce a change in policy. And it's because there are now actors out on the stage like, I get it, but I think it ruins the ambience they're trying to achieve when suddenly every usher is having to scold people for taking photos. A thing they've been allowed/encouraged to do up until that point!

Personally, I hate informal openings for shows. I want to be transported, which means I'm a fan of a big bombastic band kick-in and a curtain UP! moment. Lets establish the prosceniums so I can fade into the new reality I'm being presented with.

When it fades in, I'm totally taken out of it. I need house lights out. Light the lights you've got nothing to hit but the highs babe!

Anyway I left after Tango Roxanne.

I could have stayed but I honestly get really uncomfortable with gun stuff and wasn't enjoying the show at that point.

So I heeded the advice that feels so simple but often requires engaged energy to carry out and simply left. I waited until the crowd was applauding but I wasn't worried about slipping out the door because the cast was constantly going in and out of the door throughout so I knew the usual "don't disturb performers with the light" rule didn't apply.

And stepping into midtown was a relief! I immediately texted like three people about how much of a waste of time and money the show had been but hey, I got a terrible diet coke and peanut m&m's for like $18 but at least I still have the cup!

I'm glad I went, and I'm even more glad I left. I love leaving before a crowd crush. I love to slip out of a party after a quiet thanks to the host. Because goodbye's often drag and when I want to leave a place I'm usually planning to like eat or poop in the near future. Or puke. I don't really drink anymore, but when I was drinking to numb how awkward I felt around my exes friends I often uhhh hurled in the backyard quietly and that stopped being fun/cute real quick.

But I see this asking for permission thing all the time and everywhere.

Sometimes it's baldly written in a headline on a handbag subreddit, "I love Louis Vuitton but know others think they're tacky so I'm hesitant to carry mine" and while the comment section is filled with lovely thoughts about wearing whatever purse you want to wear I am always stunned that after writing that out, people don't immediately realize that their self-doubt is overwhelming and this is a fake problem.

Like it's not, because social cues/what they're really admitting to is that they use their bag choices to communicate trendiness and status, I guess.

But I really want us to liberate ourselves from the entrapment of caring so much about what others think. It happens to me and they feel like the absolute stupidest thoughts to have. I'm walking in a park I literally do not need to be concerned about if someone thinks about me. Why on earth would they assume I have no friends just because I'm not with one right now and why is that insecurity looming so large in my subconscious?

I see this with anxiety over which label we should choose to best define ourselves. Is it okay if I as a bi person tend to date more men than women? What about if I thought poly was gonna work for me and then it didn't? What if – and then – I don't want to hurt anyone but – there's rules I don't understand and seem to serve no one but everyone thinks breaking them is bad too and –

And in the words of one of the great tumblr witicisms:

You can just do what you want, forever.

When we're being kind and considering others before taking action, if our actions are not causing harm, then they're fine. It's fine! Live your life and stop waiting for permission. Women are often trapped in this box because the patriarchy renders an entire subsect of the population into a life where they will be wholly unable to make all of the right choices.

Not to be all America Ferrera Barbie monologue, but misogyny creates the ultimate catch-22. There is no "right way" to be a woman, because all of our decisions, regardless of what they are, engender scorn.

So some of us become paralyzed by the notion of failure, because if we make all the right decisions then we'll be perfect and no one will criticize us anymore. So we pour over our actions as if we're engineers looking to render flaws obsolete from the model. Insecurity stemming from having a lack of support is often "solved" by masking, but after the party comes the desperate clamor for a performance review.

"Did I do it? Did I make everyone believe I'm cool?"

Maybe it's just me.

(I know it's not!)

There's a lot of pop psych terminology making its way online, and "boundaries" are so often misconstrued. But having things like boundaries with myself about unhealthy thought patterns and enforcing my desires has made a huge difference in my happiness. Because I'm actually just...allowing myself to be happy by living my life.

We're all doing our best.

Writing generous stories about people's behavior has made me more empathetic. Leaving with hour cushions for appointments in order to negate any subway panic allows me to be calm and wait for the second train if the first one is far too full. Letting myself admit that I don't want to be somewhere anymore without judgement has created a better sense of myself and my desires.

Life's fun! Go to the movies alone! Leave early if it's bad or you just wanted to eat popcorn for a little while! Who cares!!!!

It's your life babe, go out there and define your standards!