#128 - <<Whispers>> It's (No Longer) Travel Day

A note before the essay: hi hello! It’s me, from the present, here to report that I totally thought I sent this ‘stack out on Wednesday, as in the titular Travel Day mentioned. It uh, no longer is! I wonder if Sunday is the second most travelled day—I assume the stat of Travel Day is mostly impressive but everyone kind of spreads their trips back Friday-Sunday so that lowers the concentration, hence why we don’t hear about the second most travelled day in America. Anyway I’m sending this anyway, consider it a little hiatus from all the Black Friday emails that have been piling in your inbox all day long.

(Remember when Black Friday deals were good? I worked at a BonTon in high school (biiig off-brand Filene’s vibes) and I had to work at 4AM because the doorbusters were like 90% off Egyptian Cotton sheets and GPS’s were $400 off. The overpowering early morning frenetic energy re: Fiesta dishware will haunt me forever. Anyway, now it’s just another sales day and like, does no one clear warehouses anymore?? Overconsumption is a vice of our time though, so maybe it’s good we’re all being weaned off via 20% off month-long sales.) (That is a self-read, I made my company do that this year.) (Moving on!)

The other day I was talking about Massachusets with a friend (as you do) and I realized that there was a random, very brief period in my life where like 90% of my immediate family took up residence in “The Spirit Of America” state.

(Sidenote post researching that tagline: oh my god, that’s their tagline?? At least New Hampshire reveals their intensity problems right up top with “Live Free or Die”!)

But for like three straight Thanksgivings I ended up making the pilgrimage (heh) to the weird little square state, and each time was more bizarre than the last.

So on this travel day, I would like to tell you a quick story about a particular travel day that could not have gone…more wrong, and the bus driver I think about every time it’s the day before Thanksgiving.

(The other thing I think about is bringing Weem home, which happened seven years ago today. Weem is the cutest and bravest cat in the whole world and has never done anything wrong in her entire life and I love her too much to talk about how much she means to me so, once again, MOVING ON!)

Okay so, it’s 2013, it’s slushy in the Lower East Side, and I am on my way to board the $10 Feng Wah NYC Chinatown → Boston Chinatown bus.

It’s packed on board, and my best friend is sitting with his boyfriend of the time, who, unbeknownst to us, was a conman. That, weirdly, is not part of this story but is a weird person to remember having memories with before truly ALL hell broke loose.

Anyway, the bus. I was sitting next to a lady who resoultely read over my shoulder the entire ride. I was in college at the time and definitely working on some overly-earnest piece, and like, I’m nosy so I get it. But she was relentless. And it’s weird how we can sense people reading over our shoulders so acutely.

(Whenever people want to say “energy isn’t real” in terms of like aura readings or reiki I always ask if they’ve ever walked into a room and known that people just fucked or fought in there. Energy is real! It’s detectable! It’s je ne sais quoi it’s sparky flirty chemistry, it’s being able to tell that the bottom just dropped out of a conversation.)

The bus took forever to get across the first bridge, a bad omen.

It was supposed to be a 5-hour trip. Not great, but not unbearable.

I don’t pee on buses. I don’t really pee on road trips, but part of that is because Ithaca → Brooklyn was my route and before I had an iPhone I used to use a map & take the Holland Tunnel to get into the city and lemme tell you, pulling off the highway in New Jersey is a frustrating and often fruitless exercise. Even if you get off at an exit, there’s no guarantee of a place to pee! Also, the whole state seems to hate left turns. One time I took a detour and ended up at the back of the same line I had just gone through. (And it suddenly made sense why a bunch of people were reversing up the shoulder to get out of there.)

Five hours into this bus ride though, we were barely in Connecticut.

Being on a delayed bus is tense, but everyone’s tension really ratchets up after that first person calls and loudly announces to their family members that they should “probably wait before they head into the city to pick them up”.

Cue everyone else making calls, and about 50% of those calls resulting in arguments with family members who are all mad at each other for not ascending to Traffic God status in order to Right These Wrongs.

Six hours in (the original estimated length of the entire trip), we pulled over at a rest station.

People had been complaining to the driver, who literally swatted their complaints away and shrugged while driving.

It’s a certain kind of not-caring that it takes to work a job that people are going to notoriously be unkind to you during—but this driver turned out to be pro-level.

Once parked, he got off the bus without a word, leaving the door open.

We were at a rest stop, and the bus bathroom was gross, so about half the bus piled off.

I stayed in my seat, because I was a scardey cat who was living my life in accordance with whatever actions were the most likely to Not Get Yelled At about.

The driver got back on the bus five minutes later and lost his mind at all the empty seats, shouting insensibly at those of us who had, may I remind you, stayed seated and on the bus. Like, very much not the group he had a gripe with!

And then he put his key in the ignition and the engine roared to life.

People from inside the convenience stop store sprinted back, breathlessly reporting that there were more people inside trying to use the bathroom.

The bus driver shrugged and continued to tweak his seat in preparation.

One of the guys ran back. We all watched as he slammed through the front door of the rest stop convenience store before turning on a dime and hauling ass back to the bus. At least 10 people ran out behind him.

The bus driver started to put the bus in gear as we all yelled that he HAD to wait, we had to do a headcount, this wasn’t fair, we needed time to make sure everyone got back.

A final straggler crew made it back—but had to bang on the doors, which he very reluctantly opened.

The bus driver pulled away from the rest stop and we realized in horror that there were now three empty seats.

The bus revolted.

But like, safely. You can’t mutiny a driver when they’re literally behind the wheel. And have your luggage hostage under the vehicle.

He yelled back that we were welcome to get off if we wanted to. He would drop us on the side of the highway.

That kept the bus quiet for a while, but after a few miles the disgruntled conversations got louder, and we started imploring him once again to go back.

He wordlessly pulled over, stood up, and reached into his overhead compartment.

Moments later, the opening shots of Black Beauty (1994) sprang onto the built-in TV screens throughout the bus.

Danny Elfman’s score filled the bus as he sat back down.

There were still some people shouting, but it was hard to compete with Alan Cumming’s booming opening narration.

So the entire bus of angry adults was forced to watch the movie adaptation of Anna Sewell’s 19th-century classic novel about a horse making its way through the harsh world of Victorian England. (It’s also very much about animal cruelty and the shots of dead horses used to star in my nightmares when I was a Young Barn Brat and seeing it much later in life was uh, jarring! Whole bus, thoroughly jarred!)

And then, two hours later, when the wildly-long children’s movie was finally over, we still had an hour left to go.

And the DVD Menu, filled with a 45-second snippet of the sweeping Danny Elfman score, looped, at full volume, the rest of the way.

I’ve never listened to Oingo Boingo quite the same way since.

I have also never felt more palpable relief from a group of people than when the bus finally turned off and the orchestral strings stopped.

(Honestly, DVD Menus were kind of my nemesis as a teenager because I used to fall asleep watching movies and then be drowsily awoken by whatever the marketers had decided best got audiences ~in the mood~ to watch the movie. The best DVD Menu? Superbad. They had Michael Cera dance for over an hour so it’s a looooong menu. Not repetetive and a fun disco song to boot! The worst? Dodgeball. The “PEEK-A-BOO” line is at top volume and loops every 30 seconds and I clearly hold a grudge after 15+ years!) (It’s important to have low-stakes grudges. And sometimes they become relevant again and then it’s real fun to explain all of the petty reasons you don’t like Jason Sudeikis.) (The Black Beauty Score Loop feels like the Final Boss of my DVD Menu nemeses and it did, in fact, beat me. But DVDs are nowhere to be found so who really won in the end???) (Actually, we all lost, gimme back directors commentary and fashion featurettes!)

So, I hope everyone had nice Travel Days (whether or not you traveled!) and a lovely Thanksgiving. I know the roots of the holiday are thoroughly tainted but the idea of sharing a homecooked meal and being Thankful In Public is a lovely one and I’m glad we have one holiday that focuses on vocal gratitude and personal reflection.

Safe travels & safe travels back! Don’t get stuck watching Black Beauty with the most disgruntled adults of all time! And definitely don’t spend every Travel Day after that knowing deep within your soul that you will never get to hear the stories of the three people who got abandoned at the truck stop and eventually had to make their way to the Boston Bus Terminal and wrangle their belongings back during the busiest travel day of the year.

They’re like my opposite of Saint Christopher. So I guess I feel protected by the memory of what can happen when underpaid bus drivers get drunk on their own power and decide that the possible extra 5 minutes while we headcount is simply too much and choose absolute chaos instead.

Enjoy your leftover sandwiches!

(New update: I made cornbread stuffing and now I have real milk in my fridge that I have no idea what to do with. But it was delicious. Also Red Dead Online has been so cute with their daily challenges—on Thanksgiving, they had rewards for cooking seasoned plump bird, sharing drinks, petting dogs, and feeding your horse. Today they had a challenge to visit all the towns and go to a store in each. Cute! I see you Rockstar, I know you have whimsy!!!)

Okay, for real this time, that’s it, g’byeeee!