#120 - Taking It Easy

Now that the summer heat has finally waned enough for me to become a regular of the outdoors again, I must say, it’s really quite fucking lovely out there sometimes.

Today I traipsed around a 20-block radius across multiple trips because life is full of little plans and unexpected adventures.

After finally doing the laundry I put off all week (I’m meeting up with my sister in White Plains tomorrow which means I need full access to my wardrobe in order to have a small meltdown about what to wear tomorrow when I ~leave the city~ because whenever I’m farther than a subway away from my house I seem to turn into a pack mule, ready to face the unbelievable trials and tribulations that await me on…Metro-North), which meant I was up at 5:30am because that’s the only time I’m guaranteed a free washer/dryer at my laundromat on the weekends.

To reward myself for that, I went and got my favorite sandwich in Brooklyn—a massive BLT from Knickerbocker Bagel. The secret is to go in person to get double the bacon—which is frankly too much but I will always love food that’s Too Much over “this is all they put on there?”

And I took some cute little pictures of myself walking down the street, a very normal and chill thing many people do now because it’s fun in some ways to document ourselves but also I liked how my hair looked and I’m thinking of redownloading Tinder (another post-heat decision that is mostly being met with an “um, okay” energy) and when I got home I noticed that my favorite necklace, the one I had put on before leaving the house, was gone.

Which sent me scurrying back out the door (after shoving the remaining half of my BLT in the bread box to keep it away from BooBoo—I would have done the fridge but bagels in the fridge get weird) to retrace my steps and worry myself silly about telling my friend that I lost the necklace I made at her house with all of her fun beads (turns out her response was a super kind & quick “We can make another one!”) only to discover once home that the necklace had gotten caught inside my the bottom of my shirt which was tucked into the laundry day shorts.

Miracle of miracles, oh happy day, the relief and the joy and the awareness that I had, in fact, overblown something in my head but didn’t allow myself to sit and wallow in “what-ifs” around my behavior!!!

And by this point, I was very sweaty and my hair was getting damp at the roots and starting to do these little flip curls it likes to do—but it was nice out so I packed a book & blanket and headed back down those same streets all the way to the park and I journaled and I read and then my best friend showed up and we smoked a spliff and moved the blanket because I had unknowingly placed it mere inches from a pile of mosquito covered dog shit (which we steadfastly ignored at first but then upon laying to read realized we…could actually smell it and it got unbearably gross) and then we headed back to my place and did like 2 hours of co-working and then I went to the bodega for snacks and got myself a cherry seltzer and had myself a lovely little evening.

I had a really emotionally raw week, I was writing a big 'ol piece about my past and my ex and trying to figure out how to tell the story without stripping anyone of their humanity but still honoring my own pain and it was...a lot! And the essay just kept. getting. longer. Which wasn’t the intention but sometimes art tells you what it needs to be and not the other way around. But that’s good, I'm glad it's done and out there, and I'm glad I gave myself the weekend to just relax and read and chill out.

Take a Xanax! Calm down!!

~ Ramona Singer

This summer has been really hard. But I think I may have learned to take it easy on myself sometimes and that's a huge relief. The art/discipline of self-kindness has not been easy for me but sometimes on Sundays man—Sundays I really seem to nail it.

Turns out, laying on a blanket in the shade, not near a pile of dog poop, watching people do their little jog loops, and drinking iced coffee while stretching out my legs? The whole dream, total package, 10/10!!

(My butt is so sore now though, they should invent a ground that doesn’t do that.)

It was just a nice day. And I think nice days are worth documenting. It takes effort to retrain our brains to focus on the positives, to remember praise instead of critique, to log joy instead of despair.

I’ve found that in the depths of winter or depressive episodes, having proof that there was loveliness (for even just a little while) is like that first peak of green through the slushy ice layers. (So, this essay is a shovel? In this metaphor now? Okay! Sure.)

The hottest parts of summer have passed.

May the depths of my aches begin to ease too.