#117 - Managing Expectations

For the past few weeks, I’ve been walking a mile to Starbucks on my morning walk because there’s something about getting myself a Nice Drink first thing to start the day.

At first, I was panicked about budget—but then I remembered that getting coffee on my way to work was something I used to do every single day pre-2020. It was actually, often a highlight! My final coffee shop in Greenpoint was also a hybrid flower & tchotchke (or whatever millennials call them to separate our taste from the Italian Kitchens of our foremothers) store, and I loved going in there.

Having the moment to transition out of sleep and into work mode by taking some sips out of a (green) straw has been a surprisingly wonderful re-addition to my morning routine.

(I should probably give more credit to the walk rather than the coffee BUT the truth is, in summer, it takes a little more to get me up and out the door in the morning—because the humidity awaits. So tricking myself into going for one by bribing myself with iced coffee has been a good call! Plus since I work from home I can just…shower before work when things get really gross. Although, can we talk about how quickly my entire apartment gets steamy post-shower? And I take cold showers. Don’t know enough about science to understand how it happens but also since I’m complaining about humidity already—I’m soooo ready for my hair to not have this horrible sticky/puffy combination plague it any longer! My bangs finally grew out let me be FREE!)

Transition periods are important. It takes a second for our energy to settle into its surroundings and new expectations. (And if you’re feelin’ like ~feeling energy is a little WooWoo I would like to ask if you’ve ever walked into a room and know that someone just had a fight—or had sex that’s a big energy pile too—because what we feel in those moments is lingering energy! Humans are incredibly sensitive we’ve just learned to tune it out for the most part! Chemistry with others? That’s just compatible energy babes!)

Sometimes we knowingly reference these shifting moments with statements like, “Get your game face on.”

Most of the idioms revolve around work tbh because that’s the thing we’ve most analyzed how to be unabashedly better at.

(It’s okay to be obsessed with making yourself more productive! That’s actually very much rewarded and praised. Oh, look at you, figuring out how to pack your day with more labor!!!)

I’m trying to sit in the transitional moments more. To be aware of what I’m actually doing that is facilitating an upramp or downslope of my energy.

To prepare.

I think that in terms of living in the moment or whatever the thing that has evaded me is surrendering my expectations in order to enjoy the things I’m doing and not just take in details for the debrief afterwards.

I haven’t been settling in. My preparation for things has often been overshadowed by the anxiety surrounding it, so I hurry up and rush through the before-and-during moments just so that I can bask in the relief on the other side. But it turns out, that’s not uh, allowing me to experience things in meaningful ways?

I got really used to full-speed-aheading in my life because slowing down meant that I had to acknowledge reality, but if I kept changing things up (at a rapid pace, no less) I could distract myself and those around me long enough to not have to fix anything.

Coping. Good enough. Running on empty because balance was “boring”.

When I finally slowed down the mania long enough to enjoy things, I focused on what allowed me to enjoy them and then decided to try doing those things more often! Hello, transitional periods I love you so much!

Lacksidasically picking out the right outfit, doing the dishes before I start my work day, writing a quick 2-page journal entry, lighting some palo santo on fire and doing some yin yoga before bed. Actually leaving my phone in another room which I have managed to do three times this week [pause for thunderous applause].

I love a routine. It’s the only way I can always trick myself into doing a task regularly.

So I had to add intentional transitions.

Coming home from Marels? Stop for pre-cut watermelon & house it while I sit directly in front of the fan to cool of from my grueling 8-minute commute. It’s peak fruit season babes gotta take advantage!

Getting ready for work? Make a physical entry in my planner, clear off the desk so I don’t get distracted by my surroundings, pick out a lighting motif for the day. The sound of a highlighter on the page is Pavlovian for me at this point—and I get to pick a fun new color palette each week which is hiiiiighly satisfying.

Deciding what to do when I have nothing scheduled? Take five deep breaths and ask myself if there’s anything I’ll be sad or disappointed if I don’t get done—do that—and then I can actually relax rather than hanging something over my own head. It’s honestly so wild how well the breath thing works it feels fake but it’s not it’s just long enough for me to listen to my brain again!

In the slowdown, there is also a chance to set intentions. To understand what I’m hoping to get out of the experience I’m going into.

In high school, the AP Bio kids used to make shirts to wear to the AP Exam emblazoned with Strive For A 5. In response, the AP Environmental Science kids (the “easy AP” as it was known at this weirdly hyper-competitive school) made ones that said Have Fun Get a 1.

For a long time, I’ve been striving for perfection in every scenario—being the perfect friend, employee, and attendee. I just wanted gold stars and affirmation all the time because otherwise how was I supposed to gauge my enjoyment? All I wanted to know was how well I had performed at Being A Normal Person (it took me how long to realize I’m autistic??) and that was my goal at all times.

Now, I’ve uh, stopped doing that. And I’ve started asking myself what the outcome I’m hoping for is.

At work I’m often striving for 5’s—so I prioritize my workday around that goal.

In life, I’m really trying to unclench my jaw and relinquish my white-knuckle control grip on the steering wheel, so have fun get a 1 has been a helpful refrain. It turns out—I was the only one handing out test scores before, so if I, the proctor, have decided it doesn’t matter, the rubric vanishes. Everybody wins!

Learning to live intentionally for me has mostly changed the pace at which I do things.

Yes, I always have a minute to jot down my thoughts before doing a task.

Yes, I literally can always take five deep breaths regardless of where I am or what I’m doing before I continue.

Yes, I will go smoke a cig on the roof before heading home because I love having a winddown period and a closure to the evening/afternoon.

There’s something nice about an ending routine! (Smoking is honestly a top-tier transitional tactic and I need spliffs to become more windproof and therefore more smokeable outside.)

At work, our first 30-minute time block on the gcal is ‘Set’. We meditate (Weem likes to join me which is indescribably cute) and then do some quick Yoga (during which BooBoo will come flop beneath me and mess with my dangling hair during forward folds) and then talk about what we’re going to get done. I used to fret that it was too much time not doing work tasks, but it turns out that giving ourselves the chance to mentally settle and get ready helped tremendously with focus and execution the rest of the day.

It turns out, I do have the time. Which begets more time when I use it wisely.

Transitions don’t have to take longer than 20 seconds.

They don’t have to be grand, or loud, they just have to be deliberate.

Because I want to live my life consciously. And setting myself up to do that requires mindfulness and the ability to notice what I need.

And, more often than I would have realized, what I need is coffee.