#103 - Rabbit Rabbit! The only way out is through!

Hi hello wow it’s already June I kind of can’t believe it but also I read recently that we’re closer to 2040 than we are to 2000 and have been haunted by it ever since so…now you have that information too I guess!

I kicked this month off with an absolute banger of a morning—overslept, got grumpy when it was then too hot to take a morning walk, went and got coffee from the bakery only to drop it at my front door and have it explode all over my stoop.

Thankfully, I own a mop and this was much easier to take care of than I had initially thought. I was mostly worried about it attracting flies—but thankfully I have a very Loud Neighbor who washes cars right outside my apartment (it’s where the hydrant is located) and he tends to rinse the sidewalk/stoops for everyone on a regular basis.

(There has been…so much dogshit on my street I truly abhor people who don’t pick up after their dog, I think basic animal husbandry is a skill that should be taught in schools in general but also not picking up after your dog is rude and obnoxious and bad for the planet and fellow people! It’s not just gross it’s unsanitary!)

I’ve been feeling very stuck and frustrated recently. My attempts to bright-side my way through it were unsuccessful and I’m a big believer that denying your feelings just makes you deny everything in life. According to Glasser’s Needs Theory, our needs will get met regardless of our intentions, the difference will be if those needs get met in healthy or unhealthy ways.

Trying to force the path of most resistance just because I feel “bad” complaining or “too annoying” when I do just made me feel worse. And more annoying!

So, I started crying about it the other day. Letting it all go, feeling the feelings, allowing myself to be scared about the fact that I don’t know the answers, and then angry at my sense of stuck-ness. And anger is a hard emotion for me to let myself feel, so when I get angry I know it’s usually productive and good. It means I’m relinquishing the iron grip I keep on my feelings.

But after letting myself complain, and feel the guilt for feeling bad about my life when I know others suffer more (one of truly the most useless feelings, judging my level of suffering does nothing to alleviate others and allows me to center my own feelings—which annoys me!), I wrote myself a nice reminder:

What a delight to know I won't feel this way forever, what a tragedy to have to endure it all now.

I read something recently about creative breakthroughs, about how the most painful part is right before they happen. I’m currently just a hermit crab who has outgrown its shell but hasn’t upgraded to a larger space yet. I have improved in my creative endeavors enough to be dissatisfied with what I’m currently able to produce. But! I think I’m near the tipping point, I think I can almost see that the things I’m holding myself back from out of fear are the same things that will lead me in the direction of the future I actually want.

Sometimes on Sundays, I tweet a “public accountability” checklist of things to clean. It literally always helps even though I doubt a single soul has ever seen the tweet. It’s just that I wrote it down, I told someone.

I’ve always had dreams that relied on a certain combination of creativity and luck. They’ve been easy to talk myself out of wanting from a very early age—sure I uhhhh strongly identified myself as a writer after one decent poem written in freshman year english class, but how many writers actually get published—and of those how many make a living from just writing?

But isn’t the pursuit, the journey, the personal satisfaction the point? And does that, in today’s age, mean that I actually have to suck it up and stop worrying that using relevant hashtags when posting about my work makes me worry that others will think that I think I’m an influencer?

And even if that is true—why am I so worried about what strangers on the internet think of me?? Why am I not focusing on the possibilities of sharing my work and opinions with people that would be delighted to find them? Why is self-worth still at the root of everything just ONCE I would like my problem to take a slightly different form but no, all root motivations stem from like three places and I got hard dibs on the a fundamental lack of dignity/pride for mine apparently!

It’s June, so the plan was to write this essay about how it’s a great time to remember that the first pride was a riot, that bi women are allowed to bring their boyfriends to pride, and all of the joy that being queer has brought into my life. And that all of the reactionary bills, bigotry, and growing backlash is directly proportional to the fear of progress that was made.

Because we have made progress. Our liberation is here and it is, in fact, quite queer. And I love the expansiveness of that term, and I love that when I was in a relationship I dragged my ex to lesbian stand-up shows and got them into drag race and brought them to pride—and when she came out as a trans woman I was so glad that I hadn’t hidden my bi-ness away, that I had shared the aspects of the community that made me feel part of it, that I hadn’t allowed any psyop 8-chan discourse to dissuade me from inviting her when she didn’t feel like she was yet part of the parade.

Allyship matters, and hey, you never know where people’s journeys around their gender and sexuality may lead! It’s never too late to ask yourself questions, to gain comfort with the answers. It’s also truly never too late to transition. It’s okay to come out multiple times in different directions, it’s okay to figure it out, and it’s okay to be here even if you’re not totally sure where you fit yet. My first pride was in 2010, I went with my friend and ended up in the parade down Church Street in Burlington, chanting along to “If you’re queer and you know it clap your hands” which eventually devolved into the hilariously quiet refrain of “If you’re queer and you know it shake your ass” [cue silent ass shaking].

It was the first pride since gay marriage had been legalized and two drag queens did the best rendition of Going To The Chapel I had ever heard.

I didn’t know I was bi then, or, more accurately, I had suspicions but was too afraid to say anything because I thought I would be written off as “attention seeking” or one of the many other derogatory ways society invalidates bisexuality. But being there, surrounded by people that felt like my people, was incredible and I loved it and I’m so glad & grateful my friend brought me.

So, in honor of pride, here’s one of my all-time favorite bi-anthems:

Sometimes, I truly am just getting bye.

It’s not my favorite space to be, but I am so glad to know it won’t last forever. I’ll find a bigger shell, I’ll keep pushing. I do believe in myself, even if it doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes the body leads and the brain catches up!

This month is the first of summer. The worlds shifting into a different vibe, my air conditioning is going to cause my electric bill to skyrocket, and I will be taking the earliest possible morning walks and finding shady spots to write in because I think that my “procrastinate and that way you won’t feel bad about overall quality” habit is uhhh long overdue for retirement. I have the time, the talent is only going to grow if I nuture it, it’s ultimately up to me and no one else to make sure that I’m living my life.

So.

Happy June! Happy Pride! Riots are good when aimed at authorities! Fuck cops forever, especially ones in spaces where queer people should feel free & safe to be themselves!!

May all your iced coffees be consumed before spilling, may we all remember to re-apply sunscreen frequently, and may the month treat us all well 💛

Previously from the archives:

One year ago: #45 - Rabbit Rabbit, Welcome To June!!

Two years ago: #6 - We Need To Stop Caring About Celebrity Marriages